Musings on the Precipice of Sanity

The post I never, ever wanted to write

2012-01-08T22:45:00.007-05:00

There's been a halt to the writing here, and not for lack of wanting to. Not for lack of material. Not for any reason that I could have foreseen.

Simply put there has been a tragedy in my family: On Dec 9th, 2011 my 34 year old brother suddenly, very unexpectedly died.

My brother died.

Those words don't seem real, even though I have said them many times over the last month. Well, that isn't entirely true. Sometimes they seem real and heavy and overwhelming. And sometimes they feel like I am saying them about someone else's life.

It's only been a month and trying to sort out all of those feelings is still impossible.

My brother was born when I was 4 years old. He was my first friend and I was his. He was a person with whom I shared a history that no one else will ever understand. We were so different in so many, many ways and oddly similar in others.
(One year while we were living at opposite ends of the state, we both bought our mom a Mother's Day card with the same joke, different cartoon...but the same punch line.)

I could write so much more. I am trying to find that line, where I have the right reaction. Did you ever feel that way? That endless loop of "Am I sad enough?", "Am I too sad?", "Am I just feeling sorry for myself" , "Should I be able to just get over this?", and "what the hell does this mean for the rest of my whole, entire life?"

Thing is...there is no right reaction. There is no right way to act or think. I am finally getting that through my head. You know, after I did all the things I needed to do. I did all the tasks on the list that needed to be done in the time between hearing my mom's voice telling my brother was dead and then all those sad, exhausting days following. And then the holidays ran up over me and now I finally have a few of those quiet days where I can begin to grieve and figure out how I am going to move through the days with this feeling of sadness. Funny how sometimes it is the furthest thing from my mind and then there are moments when I think I will never be able to shake off the crushing hurt.

Anyway, this isn't going to be become some blog where I write endless sad posts. Just sometimes. :-)
I will be back on the normal writing soon enough. I will be faking it until I can make it.

Just may take me some time. I am sure you understand.

Blog Challenge: Day 3

2011-11-27T19:47:00.002-05:00

I decided to go with two lists for blog this bog challenge, because some of the topics bored me or were just not really the type of thing I would write about to the general public. My choices for today were:
A.What kind of person attracts you
or
B. Write about your first love.

Well...I am going to take the MUCH safer road of topic A! It lends itself to far less embarrassment. Someday, kind readers, perhaps you will know all my deep, dark secrets. Today is NOT that day.

Let's see. I am a nurse. As a general population we are freaky people who are attracted to and attached to broken people. Listen, I know several of my friends will be offended by that term but they need to get over it. Partly it's my fault as well. I always want to 'fix' people and so I think in someway I draw them out. It's probably a pheromone signature in my DNA. A gift from genetics, yet again. (I said that with a really big eye roll..lest you think I was serious.)

Anyway, in terms of men I think I only need two things...intelligence and the ability to make me laugh. That sounds like some crappy dating website answer, but for me it's true enough. I like a challenge. I want to have crazy conversations about current events. I want to fight about Jeopardy answers. It keeps me from being bored. I didn't marry the class valedictorian for nothing, people.

Good lord, so much easier than 'my first love'.

whew.

Blog Challenge: Day 2

2011-11-21T21:52:00.000-05:00

So getting to Day Two only took me 5 days. I told you I made no promises. I knew I would suck at the whole deadline thing.
Here we go:

How have you changed in the past 2 years?

You mean besides creeping closer to (BLECH) 40? Besides needing to have my hair dyed more frequently and making sure I rub Oil of Olay on my "trouble areas" every night?

eh. Wow, this one took me some time to really think through. Who really stops and looks back at themselves and does an evaluation? Ok, maybe some of you do. I am just not that kind of person. You are all better than me, I admit it. I am lucky that I know my work schedule from week to week and that I make it out of the house with semi-matching socks.

More and more over the last two years I have become a 'big picture' person. Certain stressing events have happened over the last two or so years which have changed my view...or made it widen, at the least.

Without going into ridiculous detail, I realize that things happen beyond our control and all we can do is let it roll along, fall off the table and gather up the pieces and try to glue them back together into a decent looking vase...errr...life.

That isn't to say that I don't freak out over little things, cry in the shower every now and again and pout when I can't have what I want when I want it because I am such a totally balanced person, who believes it all works out in the end. Frick, no. However, when the day (or crisis) is done I can see the whole thing settling out and I can find away to take those hideous, jagged pieces I am given...and make them fit. Hell, I jam them into place when I need to. I am small, but scrappy. I learned I am resilient and a better problem solver than I gave myself credit for in the past. And I actually learned that I trust myself as a parent and even as a nurse more then I had ever before.

Sounds easy, but I wasn't always so philosophical. Some days I am STILL not. But in general, I am more grounded, more secure in my own ability to handle crisis and much more empathetic to my fellow man after living through my own. You know everyone has their own piles of crap that they shovel, step around and clean up all the time.

God, I hope the Day Three doesn't take me as long to write and I hope it is a buttload easier!

Blog Challenge: Day 1

2011-11-15T20:43:00.002-05:00

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts.

I suppose I have to start somewhere. Even if it sounds lame.

Hi, my name is Heidi. I am a blogger. Sort of. Not really. Only a little.

I am:
A mom of three boys (19, 15, 9)
an ICU nurse.
wife.
car dancer.
Photoshop user.
stubborn.
closet romantic.
closet poet.
smartphone obsessed.
insomniac.
fairly ridiculous.

Facts about myself?
1. Good God, I hate olives. Like really, really hate. I can't even handle the smell. I keep trying them every few years to see if my tastes change...they NEVER do.

2. I really don't enjoy Winnie the Pooh. Those books were dreadfully boring. The Disney versions weren't that much better.

3. The 'whites' of my eyes are blue due to a genetic bone disease I have called Osteogenesis imperfecta. Makes my bones more breakable than 'normal' people. Who really wants to be normal anyway? I break bones. I heal. I live.

4. I try to hide it, but I am a pretty much a book nerd. I read more than almost anyone I know. I converted to the Kindle recently. That only made it worse.

5. My family nickname is Ida. My great grandma couldn't say 'Heidi' and every time she tried, it came out sounding like 'Ida'. It's my mom's favorite way to get my attention...'IDA'!!

6. The only time I ever got into a car accident ( well, I backed into a parked car) the guy sent ME flowers. For being so honest and probably because when I found him to tell him, I was sobbing. He felt bad for me.

7. I hate whistling. It makes me sick to my stomach. BLECH.

8. I am addicted to Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry.

9. I take a photo...of something...anything...just about every single day. If I could be anything at all, it would be a photographer.

10. I have a weakness for violins in rock songs. That song could SUCK...throw in a violin and I am sold. I think it all goes back to my love of Buddy Holly. He was the innovator of orchestra music mixed with a little rock-n-roll.

11. Several of my best friends are ones I have known since kindergarten or thereabouts. I went to a really small Catholic school and graduated 8th grade with 21 in my class. Those people mean the world to me.

12. I have been in 38 of the 50 states. I LOVE New Mexico and Utah the most of the ones I have seen.

13. I remember almost ALL of the dialog I hear in movies and TV shows. It's freaky and I am sure if you are around me...it can be annoying. I try to reign it in.

14. I have a TERRIBLE potty mouth. The more I try to get a handle on it, it more I swear. It's a sickness.

15. I have worn hearing aids for almost 5 years now. My stupid bone disease ( see above) has effected the bones in my ears and made me lose a great deal of my hearing at a 'young' age. I am annoyed that I have to wear them but then also happy that there is something available to help me out and that I don't have a worse ailment. It rarely effects my day to day life. And when I do sleep...no noise wakes me up. You win some. You lose some.

Ok. Day one...done. Let's see how badly I mess this up and how many days I skip. Hey, maybe I will surprise myself! HA!

Back to the blog!

2011-11-03T21:45:00.002-04:00

It's not like I haven't been thinking about writing. I have. And I just need to get back to doing it. I know that usually I am the one who put the PRO in procrastination, but I am hoping to change all of that...soon.

I am taking on a "blog challenge" of sorts. I have two lists of topics and I will *try* to write on one every single day, which with my work schedule is HILARIOUS! On those work days when I am up at 5am, out the door by 6am and come home, starving and wrung out like a used washcloth, the last thing I am ever going to want to do is to write. One those days I will give myself a break. Don't judge me!

I know that I have all of about 4 readers on this blog( I think it is less but I don't want to sound overly pathetic just yet) and it will be such a miracle that I wrote ANYTHING that I am sure a day of two "off" won't phase a soul.

sigh.

Back to writing!

That "little" break

2010-06-17T01:35:00.002-04:00

Damn. Who even knew I had a blog still?
I guess I have to try to force myself to write something other than a kid's note for school or a Facebook update or 140 character Twitter update. I even suck at Twitter for the most part. I am going to blame it on my adult onset ADD again.

Believe me, is not like I don't have a plethora of topics to write about...I do, I just have to find more than 20 mins to string together to make some sense of a jumble of sentences I have on notepad.

Well, since I wrote last...I broke my wrist pretty badly ( GREAT excuse..no?) I have been to Europe, my youngest broke his arm quite horribly and about 1,000 other every day life events have kicked my ass up and down the street.

I have to sift through my "drafts" folder, which is a mess of half written ideas and nonsense.

For my 3 or 4 readers..I am here! I swear!
I will not promise posts...but my intentions are so good!
And maybe I will feel inspired. you never know!

Before the "joy" of the season

2009-11-23T15:35:00.006-05:00

So, I figured before the joys of the holiday season pick me up and throttle me to within an inch of my life, I should write something here. I know that most of my occasion blog readers think I have abandoned this project altogether...but Au contraire, mon frère! I am here, just having a difficult time sitting still long enough to write, or let my adult onset ADD subside long enough to make a single, continuous thought possible. And I know that when I actually get myself into "holiday hustling" this will be impossible. I have already stopped and started writing this 3 times already...in about 15 mins . Oye! My world for a ritalin!

Sam and school...please allow room for an edit after parent-teacher conference tonight. School seems to really going well this year. And I can't tell you how grateful I am for that, I could not endure another year like last year. I don't think he could either. Writing is still an issue with him, but the mix of maturity and more attention in the classroom everything else seems to be going well. We still have to work on his "internal edit button", when he calls his substitute teacher incompetent and such, but we are getting there. :)

Adam and I have traveled to Colorado for my cousin's beautiful wedding in September. I will attempt to post some pictures soon. I had an epic computer crash last month and although I don't think I lost much in terms of data, it has been a long and slow process to get my machine and my pictures in order. Back up your photos and documents, people! PLEASE! I had just moved several things to an external hard drive, only days before. I actually am such a freak that I back things up TWICE and store the other hard drive to keep it from harm. And I have a firebox for it. Freak...yes. Lost pictures and Photoshop goodies...no!

Work has been a joy. Oh yes. Precautions for H1N1 patients ( we have had several) are a pain in my ass. I am on the verge of constant face break-out from wearing a mask every day I work. That is not to mention all the call-ins from co-workers who are sick or have loved ones that are sick, leaving us short staffed most days. This is just a horrible season for illness. The thought of those long 13hr days is just not so much appealing anymore. ( ok, it never was appealing, but still, now less so)

So I am pushing through the season, because it is what I do. I have not found my writing mojo yet. Still looking for it under my comfy sheets of my bed. Maybe I need a vacation? Like a REAL one. Alone.

Dream on, Heidi!!

when your kid is smarter than you...

2009-10-21T20:13:00.002-04:00

Listen, I am not even gonna make excuses. I am a terrible blogger. I will just deal with that fact.
So...a funny Sammy story to pass along. ( actually I have MANY in the wings, they will make it here...someday)

The other night when I was at work, Adam made dinner and served it to the boys. Adam made the ultimate faux pas and served Sammy vegetables on his plate.

Sam yells out "Heeeeey!!!"

Adam says "Hey is for horses"

Sam looks at him and says "ummm...did you think I spelled it with an A??"

Really? How can you argue with a kid that is smarter than you?

Time flies...but it wasn't all fun.

2009-09-07T23:45:00.011-04:00

I can't believe I remembered how to get to this blog or (God forbid!) log in! Damn. Has it really been since May that I posted? What the hell have I been doing!?!?

Ahh...too many things to find the time to blog apparently. Let's sum it up, shall we?

The school year just about did me in last year. I think much of my stress and anxiety about that overwhelmed me and made it hard for me to sit still and write or even justify the time to myself to write here.

Sammy was finally diagnosed with Asperger's this spring. Fighting our way through the school system was insane and we finally got a meeting with the board on June 5th. I wish I could type how I was feeling at that meeting in all CAPS for you...the director actually said to me "well, if this happened earlier in the school year, we would think about moving him. But since it is June will will leave him in his current class"

BREATH.

DUDE! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?!?! I have had that kid into doctors and to see therapists since October 5th. WTF!?!

I was calm. I was rational even when I thought about reaching across the table to smack that man upside his head.

But...I digress.

We opted to place Sammy into a 12-1-4 classroom. 12 students. 1 teacher. 4 aides. All the children in that class are on the autism spectrum of some sort. Some are non-verbal. Some are like Sam. ( though I doubt ANYONE is quite like Sam). We are really hopeful that this situation will be less stressful for him...and us!

Here is Sam this year, on the first day of school. Not happy, but trying to look it for me anyway. :D

So many more pictures and summer fun to report on...and I am not promising anything! But I do have great intentions and I will try to get my butt back in here to write more. Adam and I are excited to head to my cousin's wedding in Colorado in a few weeks and the leaves are already changing there. Can't wait to work out the new camera and hopefully share! :D

Dear Elizabeth...nurse-to-be

2009-05-13T18:33:00.007-04:00

So I get a very nice comment from a new nurse-to-be and she asked if I had any advice for her. Oh baby...do I ever.

I will not day something trite and stupid like so many others will tell you. Like "get out now" and "were you crazy for taking nursing" I hate it when people say that crap. If they hated it so much..they should leave. And what kinda way is the to welcome anyone into the field?? Personally, I wanna retire someday and I would like there to be bright, down-to-earth decent people taking care of me and mine when I do.

And that is not to say I love my job with some starry-eyed passion. Frig no. Not every day...not most days even. But I don't hate it. I am somewhere in the middle. You just have to see it for what it is. You have to know you are not going to change the world...but you might make one person's life or death a bit easier. You might smile at just the right time...You might catch a problem that everyone else over-looked...You might just have enough sleep, caffeine and neurons firing to keep someone alive...and you might let someone die when and how they need to.

Let me just say that some days will SUCK. I mean really, really suck. You will walk off the floor and cry all the way home. I hate to tell you that, but you will. Be happy about those days, they mean you are human. Far to many days will go by when you feel like you suck for being "heartless" and letting death and pain be a part of your normal day. You can't take on the day if you cry with every person. You will not get through it.

You will feel like you know nothing. I feel like that some days after 15 years of this career. Asking questions is your best bet. I still do...every day. It might take you about a year in the ICU to feel like you are not gonna faint when you get report and head into your patient's room for the first time. There will be days when you work all day to keep someone alive only for them to die 10 mins before your shift ends.

However, it gets better. So, so much better. You will feel (semi) competent soon enough. You will meet amazing people. My co-workers are some of the best people I ever met. You will develop a very strange sense of humor. And you will be the lifeline for many people.

All of it will work together to be a part of who you are...a nurse. God, I wanna shed that sometimes. So many times I don't want to think like a nurse. I want to NOT look at the guy in the grocery store and admire his veins for an IV. I want to not hear a cough and start diagnosing it in my mind. I don't want to have my kid complain of a headache and I am thinking CAT scans and ICP drains. But I never will stop. It is who I am. Who you will be.

It is a great adventure, my friend. The trip may be bumpy and filled with bodily fluids, but it is worth it. ( though maybe I am just saying that because I don't have to work tonight. hehehehehe) I hope you love it, Elizabeth.

Good luck!

Poor sad blog...

2009-05-11T09:54:00.002-04:00

I figured I need to get in here and write SOMETHING...anything before I decide to never return. Which I am sure many of my "regular" readers have done...given up on me. But, No! I will be back and blogging pretty darn soon. Work has taken a much more "normal" schedule and school is almost out for the boys. THANK GOD!! I am so ready for them to be on summer vacation. I am one of those "weird" moms that loves them to be home with me. I am sick of permission slips, homework checks, notes from teachers, trips to school, and just about every damn thing that is related to school. Enough!

So I didn't go away and forget you, oh Blogsphere! I am planning my return. I swear. Really this time. No. I mean it. Really.

You are just gonna have to check back and see. ;-)

Quite a bit

2009-03-23T23:31:00.001-04:00

Yup, quite a bit off my "game". My writing is not coming easily like it used to, my brain is all jumbled and I can't quite seem to sort it out into a cohesive paragraph.

It happens. Often. I think of all the things I wanna say and just can't get it out. Plus, I have so many things I wanna share about work, but I have to do it in a generic and safe way as to not be too specific with patients or situations. After I try to figure out what to say, how to say it, and all that crap...my brain hurts and it seems too difficult to even bother. Some medical bloggers do it with such ease, but try as I might I struggle with it. And God, are there some interesting things going on at work. Every day I am amazed or amused or shocked by the patients or their families. I need to work on my medical story telling. I just have to figure out how to protect myself and them. It will be a work in progress.

And we are in this limbo place with Sammy. We are towards the end in the process of diagnosing his issues and once that happens then the work of finding things that will work with him in school. At home, he is really fine and not a problem at all. At school, when his anxiety is at panic level, he just will not get any work done. Either he won't or can't calm his "school brain", as he puts it. It seems as though we are heading to a diagnosis of Asperger's, but at this point I don't care what we call it. I just want my child to not hate school every day. A small thing to ask, I think. He is an absolute joy in my life and I just want to do what is best for him. The task seems exhausting, but I know it is doable. We have some amazing people helping us, both at school and privately.

In other news, my cousin had her baby. For the record I was right..a boy. I have my flight booked for Colorado in April to fly out there and meet the little man and spend some MUCH needed quality cousin time. My best friend had her baby too. And I was right about that too..a girl. I have gotten to cuddle her a few times already.

Ack. so between the dentist ( for Josh), the doctors and school visits for Sam, work, life in general and all the other assorted crap I do, I guess I am tapped out. Not to mention with the change in season, which plunges me into melancholia. Recipe for non-writing. But I am working on it. I need to add some pictures and share all kinds of insanity with the blog-sphere. Today, I was so messed up schedule-wise that I showed up to work when I was not working until tomorrow. I swear it is impossible to keep my life straight these days. I have not done that in 15 years of working there. Pray for me. :D

excuses, excuses

2009-03-22T11:05:00.002-04:00

Ohh, do I have piles of excuses. Tons. But you don't wanna hear that crap. You just want me to get on with it. I am sure many of you thought I fell off the face of the earth. Not true. I might have wanted to, but I am still here. Damn gravity.

So I thought I would jot down a funny little conversation from my favorite little funny man, Sam. That kid cracks me up like no other.

So we are waiting for an appointment and he asks me if I know the difference between fiction and non-fiction. He tells me he prefers non-fiction books and we talk about some of the interesting titles he as been bringing home from school. What kindergarten kid do you know that reads a book on the origins of the Pony Express? He LOVED that book.

Anyway, Sam says to me, "I know what fiction is. Fiction is that bears wear ties. That is all fiction"

and that made me laugh. Not only does he get it, he has an example. Too smart for his own damn good, that alien child of mine.

Cousin Lovin'

2009-02-07T20:28:00.010-05:00

Obviously, when I sit to write this I have something on my mind. Since my mind flutters around with my adult onset ADD, it is often hard for me to find a starting point or to really narrow it down. Not this week though, someone has been on my mind quite a bit and I really think I need to write about her...my cousin Molly. She is closest to my age of all my cousins and closest to my heart in many ways too. I miss her every. single. day. Honestly, I do. I hear her voice and I am happy. I feel comfortable and safe. I feel like I can just tell her anything and everything and I know she understands. She even gets the things I don't say. I trust her like I would never trust anyone in my life. I have to, she can look at me and know me without me saying a word. Everyone needs that person. Everyone needs a "Molly"

I once took a good long time to figure out what I wanted to say about her. I was going through picture and got together a collection of them to share with her. And I tried to sum up my feelings about Molly. Really, nothing is going to sum it all up. Not ever. Here is the bit I wrote about us and the digital layout I made with some pictures of us over the years. As she waits to greet her new baby to the world, I thought this would be a great time to share it with the world...my "baby" so to speak. I am excited and so happy there will be more Molly in this world. That can only be a good thing. You are gonna have to trust me on that people.

So here it is...

Hey there cuz, for as long as I can remember we have been such an important part of each other life. We have shared a bedroom, many secrets, a quirky High School Drama club, a crazy extended family and our lives.

Our lives could not have been more different...I have not left Buffalo for more than a vacation, you have lived all over the world

I married my high school sweetheart and had 3 children, you are more the Bohemian, waiting to see where life will lead you.
We both admire the lives each other have chosen, while loving the life dealt us. I love that I can tell you anything.(remember when you were 20 and I was 18, you told me in secret you had a tattoo and I told you I was pregnant. hahah I WON!)

I know that I will always have you out there somewhere and that makes me feel good and makes me smile.You are always my biggest cheerleader and I am yours.

When that picture of us was taken my father laughed, he said that whenever
you and I are together we are little girls again. I love that we share all that history. I know you by heart and you know me by yours.
Love you, Molly!

I can't wait to see her again and welcome her baby into the world. ( for the record...I think it is a boy...but what do I know?) I hope she realizes I am coming out to see her at some point. She is only a plane ride away and I have some baby lovin' to get to.

I love you, Molly. You may never know how much.

The Return ( I hope)

2009-01-29T21:39:00.000-05:00

So, here I am trying to wiggle my way back into the blogging world after some much needed downtime and some much unneeded stress. Who are we kidding? I love stress. I thrive on it. I picked to work on a very unpredictable and stressful floor at the hospital, for God's sake. If I didn't do well with stress, I would have flipped my nut long ago. Those external forces pushing on me hold me together to a degree. Sometime I wish they would not push so hard and so often, but I can't control much of anything right now.

Part of why I haven't written anything is because I was( am) in some sort of creative slump. Christmas tends to soak up so much of my time and talents that it leaves little for anything else. And once that hub-bub is over, I just want to let my brains cool down a bit before I start making demands on them again.

Another thing is that so much of what is happening, say with Sammy, is up in the air. That makes it hard to write about as well. What can I say when I am not sure what point we are in in the process?

And really, if I force myself to sit here and write, it will end up being horrible. I must say that NEVER in my life have I had a lack of material to write about, but my mind is easily diverted. I blame my job for this. I have to walk around for 13 hrs with hundreds of bits of info about two patients, much of which is critical for their well-being, and then I have to dump that info out and get a new batch the next shift for two other people. So my brain is in a constant turn-over.

Ah, enough with the excuses, right?

Let's see...Sammy is back in full day school. Seems he was actually worse on those half days. Refusing to do any work in school and acting out more than usual. Not sure what was going with that weirdness. We talked to the teacher and we decided to send him back full time after the Thanksgiving break. The first week went incredibly well and I thought maybe I over reacted with the whole anxiety about school thing. WRONG! it slowly slid downhill from there. He has decent and horrible days. I can NEVER predict them. He can leave the house miserable and have a fine day. He can skip out the door happily and he has a terrible day. Total crap shoot. He has more testing to go through and I am just riding it out. Nothing more I can do. One thing they want to do is to advance IQ test him. That should be interesting. He told me the other day it was too bright outside for him due to solar flares. I swear, he wears me out.

Work has been weird. I am flip-flopping from days to nights. I am getting too old for such things. Though, God forbid, I am forced to choose one shift. I love each of them for certain things and hate each of them for others. Day shift has a pretty big group of new nurses and though I TOTALLY do not mind helping any of them it can be stressful. I was new once too. ( a long,long time ago. sigh) But, it can be stressful. I swear the other day my name was said no less than 1000 times. By 7pm I was crazed. They are all excellent nurses, just very nervous. And they should be. One mistake can mean life or death. That is no exaggeration. Sometimes it is easier to slip into a night shift and just ride it out for 13 hours. Truth be told, I love that complete exhaustion feeling. Falling into bed and knowing I am going to get some incredible, deep sleep. Since sleep is such an issue for me I have to go with what works.

I have quite a few blog articles in my drafts. I suppose I really need to work on completing things. Hmmm...maybe my goal for 2009. Might help lift me from my winter crud.

Oh well. I will try to be better. I am a work in progress. Aren't we all.

What the Hell?

2009-01-03T17:12:00.003-05:00

I had to get my butt in here and write something..anything, before y'all think I fell off the face of the earth! I looked back and I can't believe it has been so ling since I wrote anything. Christmas makes me insane and I am recovering still.
I wanted to post a video of my kids from Christmas. Sammy had just about had it when we got to my parents house for our 4th Christmas celebration. I can't blame the kid..I was spent too. I was attempting to get a picture of them in my mother's living room and was able to catch of bit of the REAL Sammy on film.

The Reveal

2008-12-14T19:52:00.004-05:00

Since I have myself chained to my computer to finish my Christmas projects, except when I have to go to work, I have gotten quite a few things done. I make myself insane every year with personalized gifts and carefully selected presents. Someday I just want to be okay with buying gift cards for people and get over my need to "wow" people with something special. Maybe in my next life.

One thing I got done was our Christmas card. Though it is not exactly what I wanted, it came out pretty acceptable. They are off for printing and should be here for me to address next Monday. Oh, the joys never end!

Without further ado, the card:

Not too shabby, huh?

Hope you like it! Merry Christmas!!

Get my kid away from AIM!!!

2008-11-26T21:29:00.003-05:00

So I am in Wegmans grocery store with Sammy yesterday and we hit the deli counter.

Sam asks me "Mom, why is the cheese laughing out loud?"

Now, my kid asks me crazy shit all the time or bursts out with crazy non-sequiturs so I really don't make anything of it.

"Sammy, what the heck are you talking about?!?!" is a frequent reply around here.

He is adamant and kinda getting pissed at me and asks again and is now pointing at the deli scale.

and I begin to laugh. It was Land of Lakes cheese.
Abbreviated LOL cheddar cheese.

I can only imagine that he has seen me chat on AIM with my friend Jen in Knoxville and has read her frequent "lol" messages to me.

My 6-year-old knows internet lingo. Holy Balls.

2008-11-16T12:15:00.000-05:00

Randomness:

Needs Improvement
Damn, my handwriting SUCKS lately. I had to write a note to Sam's teacher this morning and it was all I could do to get through the 3 sentences. I am sure it is the fault of the computer, but I do write at work frequently. However, lately I have had new nurse orients that do all the charting and such. I am out of practice. I am pissed because I used to like my handwriting and I am being a lazy slob and letting it go down hill. I swear, when I was writing that my hand turned into a claw. I need to work on that soon. Put my hand on writing physical therapy. However it has not progressed to the point that some of my co-irkers writing has. I swear that one of the nurse practitioners as the handwriting of a would-be serial killer.

Sammy stuff:
Sammy is in half day kindergarten and let me tell you, that is getting old really quickly for me and Adam. Plus, I think on some level he is manipulating us with even worse behavior in school. I think me might think that if he is bad enough, I will take him back out of school. He is certainly smart enough to reason that out, unfortunately. He had his first appointment with the physiologist on Thursday. He walked into the waiting area and starting talking to a young woman waiting there for a friend. He proudly announced: " Hi! My name is Sammy and I am VERY nervous in school and they are going to help me here"

Nothing like just getting right to it, huh? His session with the therapist went well. We both liked her and what a weight off my shoulders to have someone tell me they know were we should head and that she is going to make this better for Sam..or at least try. I walked out of there feeling so much better. Plus, she thought although Sam has many "eccentricities, he is really very charming" An excellent way to put it.

Christmas Projects:
I am deep into my Christmas insanity already. Projects fill my brain and my computer desktop. I actually feel pretty on top of my chaos this year, but it is early. I am sure I will be in full anxiety mood soon enough. My calendars are taking shape. My mom and aunt expect one every year and I am not one to disappoint. I am thinking and re-thinking my Christmas card. Which sucks. You make a few cool cards and then you feel the need to top yourself every year. Impossible, if you ask me. Stupid to feel stressed over a stupid thing like that...but I do. Trying to find my design idea for the year. Here are two of the past creations and you can see how my style changed a bit. Who know what this year will bring.
Christmas 2006 ( note that the cards from 2004 and 2005 are on the wall, framed)Graphics by the amazing Mo Jackson.

2007 Version with some graphic goodies from Mo Jackson as well.

I started off with an idea from last year, with all of us as ornaments and that was just so scary I can't begin to describe it. Maybe for a Halloween card. Doesn't help when I have heard about 10 times so far, "I can't wait to see your card this year. I wait for it every year" Flattering, true. Pressure, a little.

So top all my Photoshop projects with button trees I need to make and cookies I need to plan and my list of gifts to buy..quite the potential for me to freak out. But I am not yet. I am keeping it together for now.

So I am off to create some art, or what I do that passes as art really. So many things to write about really, but my mind is in too many places to pull it together for now. Soon. No promises, but soon.

Why I am a mess today

2008-10-31T22:54:00.005-04:00

Well, one of the reasons. It is my parents fault. Isn't everything? It is a wonder I have not been on Oprah, crying about how I was the oldest and obviously the "test child" for their other children or as they insist on calling them...my brothers.

Because it is Halloween I want to share the crazy story of me and a haunted house. I was about 3 years old. I have a very clear memory of this day for reasons that will become VERY obvious to you in a moment. I know I must have been 3 because my brother Roger was not born at this point. Anyway, every year the March of Dimes out together a fabulous and incredibly scary haunted house to make money for the charity. My parents thought that taking a 3 year old to a haunted house seemed like a good idea, so off we went. What the hell did I know? I

Now, that would have been bad enough. My 16 yr old worked at a haunted house this season and would frequently tell me how these parents would bring in terrified children and force them through the rooms, almost taking delight in the child's horrified clinging and screams. In the words of Zachary "that is fucked up, dude" But, that is not where my parents went wrong with me...OH NO.

So we arrive at the haunted house and as you can imagine the parking lot is packed. The setting was an old, unoccupied mansion. Screams, groans and growls are piped out of the windows. Rattling of chains and creaking doors surrounded those who dared walk up to the front of the house. The crowded parking lot was a field next to this old house. My mother gets me out of the car and says to me "you stand right here, Heidi while your dad and I park the car"

wait.

what?

Yes. My mother got me out of the warm, safe car and made me stand in front of the haunted house ALONE. Let's not leave my father out of the blame. Did he say "umm, Fran, you are INSANE. Not only is out child 3 and could be kidnapped in 15 seconds and will end up on a milk carton BUT she will be scared SHITLESS!?"
No, he did not. They both thought it was a perfectly sound and prudent move to leave me there ALONE.

And let me say that throughout my childhood I had a recurrent feeling that when my parents left me somewhere, that I would never see them again. That did not help this situation in the slightest. In fact, maybe this is why I started to feel that way in the first place.

So, I am standing in front of the house. Terrified and I start to cry. And cry. And cry some more, so hard that I puke all over the front of my red plaid jacket. This incident was so traumatic that yes, I know what I was wearing at the time. After an eternity of waiting my parents saunter up to me and my mom is shocked at my pukeiness, cleans me up and hugs me and takes me THE. HELL. HOME. sigh.

A few years ago I bring up this incident up to my parents and my mother has the nerve to deny it happened. My father told her..yes, yes it happened and said to me "Heidi, I am not sure what the hell we were thinking" Clearly, not much about anything.

Thus began the trials of parenting on an unsuspecting, adorable little girl.

Perhaps I should have been more afraid of my dad's sideburns. OYE!

I can't MAKE this stuff up, if I tried

2008-10-31T01:29:00.002-04:00

I swear, people are all insane. I never used to think so. Then I became a nurse. Still, then I didn't think everyone was insane. Then I became a nurse in the Intensive Care Unit. Now, I am empathetic. I am, trust me. Family members are under great stress there and it is for lack of a better word, intense. But really people can be totally off their nut sometimes.

We had a patient that we were going to "terminally wean", which means we withdraw the medications and ventilator that are sustaining life, knowing pretty much that this will end the person's life. Some people die every quickly, some it takes days or weeks. But the point of it is that the person is too far gone, too sick and the end is imminent and we are not going to prolong that pain anymore. Sadly, where I work, it happens pretty much several times a week.

So anyway, we withdraw the vent from this patient and the relative of the patient calls up to check his/her status. Note: she did not COME IN to see her family member, but called. When we told her that her family member was going to be moved to a non-acute bed due to wait for a Hospice placement, she got MAD. And asked us if we were sure we knew what we were doing there because we were suppose to "unplug" him and he was SUPPOSE TO DIE RIGHT AWAY.

Seriously? You are mad because he was still alive? wow. just wow. I didn't know what to say. I gave her the new floor phone number and the room number.

Totally staggering.

This week I also overheard a family member say to the patient "I can't believe how much better you are doing! Last week we were picking out your coffin"

If you can't think of anything to say..please say nothing. Or talk about the weather. Or, God forbid..the election. That usually gets the blood a-pumping!

What's been going on here

2008-10-29T00:32:00.000-04:00

I am not sure even what I want to write here or even where to begin, but I know I want to write out my feelings and frustration somewhere. Here is as good a place as any, right?

So, as I have blogged here before Sammy is have a tough time adjusting to school. And that would be one of the biggest understatements of my life. Not only is he unhappy to go off each morning. but at school he almost becomes another child. Sure at home he is odd and says funny things. He is stubborn and loud, but NOTHING like the maniac he becomes at school. I know this first hand as I have been going to school to work in Sam's class twice a week for about 3 hours at a time. Sam's teacher and I have had many conversations in person and on the phone. I have talked to the school social worker on several occasions. And it comes down to none of us know what to do.

And let me just say that those hours in the classroom with Sam's class are some of the hardest and longest in my life. I need to step back and let his teacher handle Sam. I have to be the classroom helper, not his mommy. And if you ever tried to step away from the mother role for a little while when it involves your kid...you will know what I mean when I say it is torture.

His behaviors range from yelling out, to crumpling papers, refusing to do the work, throwing things, and escalating to the vigorous shaking of his clasped hands together as a nervous tick. He seems lost in the room. Unable to focus. He often wanders. He needs constant re-direction. When asked to do work or sit and calm down he wails to the teacher " what! You don't love me anymore!" And as his level of anxiety or exhaustion rises, he just shuts down. His teacher sees his breaking point and lets him sit and try to relax himself. Usually this makes not difference in my child. He doesn't have many coping skills for a 6 yr old, so freaking out and yelling are it. Not acceptable or desired, but he doesn't know what else to do.

And to make matters worse, he is not a kid that "has a price". My friend Sue and I talked about this the other day, because she too has a child that "has no price" She can take away anything and everything and unless she takes away love, food or sleep, he says "okay, fine. when will I be un-punished?" That is Sam. No matter what is offered or taken away, he feels how he feels and he is not changing his behavior for anyone.

And two weeks ago, it escalated. He absconded from the room. His teacher had to run to catch him. He told me he was heading for the bus door so he could get a ride home. In the battle of fight or flight, he chose flight. He just can't handle being there and just wants me to come get him. He is very unhappy there. I can see him filling with tension the entire time I am there and finally it brims over and he is done. He can't work. He cant follow directions. Just done.

And the really sad thing is that he knows he is not acting right. He knows that he is freaking out. Last week he had quite a bad day and once he got into the car with me after school he started to cry. I asked him what was wrong. He said " I guess I am not going to be October's Terrific Kid" And that broke my heart. And that was it. I called his pediatrician and made an appointment. We had tried to work it our with other methods and I didn't know what else to do.

And I am sure there is another component to all of this too. Sammy has some sensory issues as well. Noises, lights, temperature all bother him and make him more anxious. So I have been completing paperwork for the OT specialist to see him too.

After examining Sammy, talking to him, talking to me he felt Sam suffers from an anxiety disorder and advised me to home school him and take him to see a specialist. This might have something to do with Sammy telling the doctor "I am VERY nervous is in school and if I do not hold my Buffalo token...I go crazy!

That was just the beginning of my adventures. While I agree with the doctor in some respects, I am worried that taking him out of school all together might not be the way to go. Bringing him back into the setting after a time away might be harder. And it comes down to..I just don't know what to do. I come from a background of medicine. There are cause and effects. There is a recipe, if you will, for fixing things. And while that recipe can be tweaked to fit a certain person...for the most part...it is the same recipe. I want a set of instructions. I want the code. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me exactly what to do.

And that is just not possible in this situation. This is ground I never walked before. This is something that needs watching and trial and error. This is the beginning of a VERY long road for us. I talked at length with Sam's teacher and she could not be more open and willing to help him if she was his own mother. She notices the same things about him that I do. She can sense his anxiety and frustration like I can. I can't say enough great and wonderful things about her. We all just want what is best for Sam. We want to work him through this and make him happy and confident. She told me she is not going anywhere and he is hers for the year. She wants to help me solve this puzzle which is Sam. I trust her. I look for her input just as she looks for mine. And my heart almost broke when she looked at me and said "if this takes all year we will get him through this."

ALL YEAR? I am exhausted and it has been about 6 weeks. And part of me was excited to have him home with me again and part of me wonders if that is what he needs. I go back and forth in my head trying to think it out. Wonder what I could have done differently. What I can do now to help him. What is the right amount to push him? Can I just keep him home forever? You know that part of me wants that so much. But I know I can't. I need to help him go out into the world, when all I want is to protect him from it. forever.

So as it stands, right now, until I get permission from my doctor, Sam is home. I am in a circle of unending phone calls with the school nurse, the principal, the teacher, the insurance company, his primary doctor, the clinic for treatment and the school social worker. His teacher and I are trying to find a schedule that works for him. Afternoons seem to be the hardest. He is spent by that point of the day. Perhaps a half day will work best. We are working through it together.

I am sure I will be writing more about this in the weeks and months to come. I need to write it out to keep it straight in my head. I feel so many things right now..but mostly stressed. Nah, that is not true. I can't really pick out one emotion from the cluster. I think at the end of this, I might be the one with an anxiety disorder.

sigh.

Yes. I will beat her

2008-10-22T21:42:00.008-04:00

My friend, Jen. She will feel the hurt. She "blog tagged" me again and that kinda person I am, I can't let it go. I have to do it. She knows this about me. She might not want me to come visit her is fall cuz I am gonna whip her ass before I hug her "hello"

So here is the things I gotta do. 7 Random fact about me. some weird, odd. Lots of things about me are odd. This should be no problem, right?

1. I have a sick obsession with Degrassi, a Canadian teen show about a middle/high school. I watched it when I was young and now I still follow it. Some of the cast that played the kids in school when I was growing up are now the teachers. Sick, I know. Zach and I watch it together. We talk about the character like they are real people. It drives Adam insane. Zach and I have an ongoing argument about Paige...whether she is really a bitch and if she uses the term "hon" too much.

2. I hate the sound of whistling. Can't stand it. Even before I wore hearing aids it made me totally crazy and now it is even worse. Sounds can make me sick to my stomach, even more so than sights and smells.

3. The "whites" of my eyes are actually blue. Really blue. I have a genetic disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta or "brittle bone" disease. I inherited it from my father. My bones break much more easily. My ligaments and tendons are for crap. Yes, I am a wreck. This lovely disease also lead to me having to wear hearing aids for the rest of my life. Good times! I did pass it on to Mr. Sam. I broke my first bone at 9 months...my leg, learning to walk.

4. I ABHOR olives. So much I tell people I am allergic to them. I don't feel that way about many things...but they are the WORST. Licorice is right up there too. Those two smells/flavors make me wanna hurl.

5. I pretty much NEVER go barefoot. Not ever. Except maybe in the shower. Stupid Plantar fasciitis will flare up if I do. All that damn walking as a nurse.

6. I read the obituaries EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I know...morbid. But I usually know a patient or former patient several times a week.

7. I have an insane, almost Rainman memory for movie and tv dialog. This sad skill I have passed on to my eldest child. Often we will begin to quote the same movie, at the same time. Creepville.

So I am suppose to tag 7 people, but you know what? I don't know that many people that have a blog personally, I mean) So if you wanna...so do it..Link me up.

Our Future Leader

2008-10-21T23:15:00.012-04:00

I am behind. What else is new? I have not had the energy or time or whatever to sit down and blog about Sammy Satan's birthday. On one hand I feel like I practically write a whole blog about him alone. Crazy stories and things he says end up here more often than any of the other men in my life. But you know what, that kid is VERY unique and so damn funny. We all agree on this here at my house. Sometimes he just cracks us up or makes us think or often times scares us.

Yesterday he told me he is going to take over the world. I told him that he is 6 and not ready to handle the whole world just yet. He responded that he made a wish for another birthday, so he could be 7 and then rule the world. Can you argue with that logic?

So my brain has been clicking with what I really want to say about the little man, our future world leader. So much to say and none of it will really paint the picture of this beast. I have met many other kids in my life and none are like Sammy. Drives me crazy because he seems to never pay attention to me, but when pressed he can relay verbatim what you said to him. He makes me laugh. He warms my hearts with his love and constant kisses. He scares me with his abilities...like teaching himself to read. I live to come home from work to be greeted with his usual "Mommmy! You're home! I was looking for you everywhere!"

And there was a long while when we thought we would never have Sammy. The years slipped by, we started weeding out our baby supplies. I had a few miscarriages. I was slowly giving up hope even though my heart told me that there was a baby for our family still to come. Then I will never forget, my sister-in-law was unexpectedly pregnant. She was originally not happy. I remember crying myself to sleep thinking how unfair the world was, I wanted to be pregnant and she was not thrilled. You know what? Sammy is exactly ONE week older than my nephew. Yup. So the name Samuel was perfect for him. It means "the one for whom I prayed"

And let me tell you the road to getting that tiny, little pink baby sucked. I was sick with all sorts of maladies..many of them stupid. We learned of my penicillin allergy at that time after a nasty reaction. I puked until I had bloodshot eyes. Isn't that that more adorable picture? I am sure my doctor was counting the days until I popped out that kid so we would be done with my weekly trips to his office.

And follow that with a birth that was pretty damn traumatic and I am only lucky mom to have that little maniac tell me I am the best "Earth mother an alien boy could ask for"

Quirky, stubborn, hilarious, affectionate, so freakin' weird and all mine.

Happy Birthday, my baby. I love you!

A sick Sammy only hours old.

Josh and his little clone, Sammy

Sammy and his cousin Dakota, is October birthday buddy.

Disturbing conversation of the day

2008-10-08T21:18:00.003-04:00

Typically, we have several disturbing conversations in this house on a daily basis. They can range from random Sammy ramblings to a tangent on a tv commercial.

Today Zach has been home sick for the second day in a row. He has a fever, he has been taking up the whole couch and generally being grouchy. He asked me today if he could receive an "immune system transplant"

I told him no, however it was probably all my fault as I did not breast feed him and if I had he might be fine today.

Josh is giggling the whole time and I KNOW he has something to add.

"Mom, you should start now. Ya know...breast feeding him" ( with continued giggling )

*crickets chirping* ( oh, and Josh giggling)

Happy Birthday Target....oh and my kid too.

2008-10-05T21:24:00.007-04:00

So this weekend marks a very important date in my life. The opening of Target in the Western New York region. Few things have brought me more joy or cost me more money...except my children. And my middle son Josh was rude enough to be born on the Grand Opening weekend 12 years ago. Those kids are just so much about themselves.

Oh, I had been waiting for Target, let me tell you. I had shopped at Target on several occasions in the Southwest while on vacation and I was smitten. Before that we had our choice of Kmart or Wal-mart, both of which I despise. So, when it was announced that Target was coming to our area my heart beat a little faster and I smiled a little bigger.

But, of course, I was over due with Joshua on the Grand Opening weekend. His little 5lb 10oz self was born on October 4th, 1996. It was a pretty bad pregnancy and the summer was riddled with tragedies. Not only was I on bed rest for high blood pressure but I lost my 16 yr old cousin Lisa in a stupid car accident and my dear friend Bethany to lymphoma. I am lucky that Josh was not born with some hideous birthmark across his face from all the worrying and crying I did that summer. On the contrary, he was unbelievable cute and had personality and charisma from day one.

Big Brother Zach with Josh a few hours old. Don't tell Zach at one time he was happy about Josh breathing and alive. Those days are past, dear friends.

He still sleeps like that to this day.

So far, he has been my easiest kid..and yes, I know he is only 12. But he is cute and sensitive and smart. And damn, does he love his mom. He sneaks in a hug or a kiss or a cuddle whenever he can. He loves to sing songs with me in the car at the top of our lungs. He has an infectious giggle and a kind, sweet spirit. He is confident and yet humble. Not one day goes by where he does not just say he loves me right out of the blue. He has a weakness for video games and trading cards. He makes me happy. So much so that I almost forgive him for making me miss the actual grand opening. He does understand though, he loves the place almost as much as I do. In fact, it was the first place he visited after being released from the hospital. Yes, instead of taking him home immediately, we stopped at Target for a quick ( or not so much quick) look around. Hey, we needed baby supplies.

Happy birthday day to my love, Target and to my son, Josh. The first 12 years have been a treat, I can't wait for more. I love you, J. Bob. Oh, you know I do.

Dear blog, how long has it been?

2008-09-21T21:48:00.007-04:00

Quite awhile. I know. The days seem to run into each other and even though I have a thousand things running around my head to type out, I just never seem to get here. And this post will be written in semi-distress. I am getting pretty sick and since I only get sick about twice a year, it really knocks me down when it finally hits. I have that aching hips and shoulders and a head that feels like it will roll off my neck any minute. Yet, can I sleep? No. So here I am, before I talk myself into swallowing NyQuil. That usually takes at least an hour.

Oh, and I have to work another night shift tomorrow. That is just the cherry on top of my week. The night shift thing is really beginning to takes its toll on my body. I have worked it on and off for the last 15 years now and the last few months have really been hard to take.

And then I have happened to have some really over-the-top patients of late. One man told me he didn't think he could bend his arms enough to blow his nose after he had a angiogram. Mister, they didn't do anything to your arms. Good God. Then his equally neurotic wife asked if it would be okay if he were to blow his nose. She would make sure he didn't if it was too much for him..and that was just the first 10 mins of the night. 13 hours of that business has this ICU nurse begging for two sedated and ventilated patients next shift.

And I wish I could come here and report that Sammy is so happy in school and taking to it so well. But that would be a lie. Every.Single.Day is a hassle to get him on the bus. About a half an hour before the bus comes, it starts. He seems totally taken by surprise that he has to go yet again. Monday he told me he had quit. He said "Ummm..I told you on the previous morning that I quit!"

good Lord!

Then Tuesday I was the "ugliest mom ever!" for making him get on the bus. After he got home I asked him if I was still ugly and he proclaimed "You are the prettiest woman I have ever seen! I just didn't want to go to school" Like calling me ugly is going to warm my heart and make me let him stay home? That kid has a lot to learn about finessing a woman.

I am going to start naming my gray hairs "school day #1"..."school day #2" Reminds me to call my hairdresser pronto in the morning.

I have already talked with the teacher about his behavior and adjusting ( or really lack thereof ) once so far. She seems great and willing to work us through this rough time with him. I am also going to work a few days a week in the classroom. I am not sure if that will help or not, but I can only imagine that a kindergarten teacher, with Sammy in her class, can use all the help she can get. His reading level is simply amazing. Every night she gives him a higher level book and the last selection was Volcanoes. Quite in depth stuff for kindergarten.

Zach and Josh seem to like their teachers and things for them at least, are going well. Last Thursday was a fun one for me. Not only did I attempt to sleep after the night shift. Oh I should not complain, I got like a whole 3 hours in that day. Anyway, I get little sleep and the moment the kids got off the bus I was running around town getting Zach's working papers, groceries and all assorted tasks. I got home and just wanted to die a little bit on the couch. Josh looks panicked and tells me that his open house is in about 30 mins. Christ in a cartoon! Up, dressed and out the door for that fun evening.

Then returning home I find out that my great aunt had passed away and that the wake and funeral would be over the next two days. At that point I joked, if one more thing happened to me...my head would ASPOLD! (to quote my beloved Strongbad)

And now, I am getting sick, Ah that mind/body linkage. Fantastic that body human.

I think I just about talked myself into that NyQuil. So I should seize my brave moment and get my body to bed.

Ah, a better and more upbeat post next time. I will try. ;-) At least sickness free, I hope!

I am working on him

2008-09-10T22:05:00.009-04:00

So while cruising the internet tonight, I stumbled on a site the had the song "Video Killed the Radio Star" playing. Sammy had just heard this song with me in the car as it was on a random playlist in my Zune.

Anyway, the song comes on and I hear Sammy say from behind me "Who killed the Radio Star??"

I say "Video killed the radio star"

"so the guy is named Video?"

"no, it is not about a real person, Sammy"

"So the fake person is named Video and he killed someone?"

"it is not about people at all, Sammy. It is hard to explain to you, but it means tv ruined music"

"well, I think it is about people and the one named Radio is dead. That is a sad song"

While I think the concrete thinking at the age of five is really hilarious, sometimes it can be frustrating. It does however, force me to keep up on the easy explanations of words. I am thinking of writing a thesaurus for 4-6 yr olds.

Personally, I am a fan of this version of the song.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

2008-09-08T00:18:00.020-04:00

Good Lord! I have to get my stupid ass in here more and write. At any one time I have 15 things I wanna say rolling around in my jumbled head. Wouldn't it be better to get them out there? I am just such a procrastinator, so when I get to writing finally and look the this big white box and think "what the hell can I possibly say that someone will wanna read?" What I have to get over is the fact that every entry doesn't need to be some work of art or profound. I just need to get here and start something and find my voice and thoughts. Oddly, I know that happens every time I actually start writing and yet, I hesitate the start of it. I am clearly insane. Have pity for my family and friends. thank you.

So this week was a hard one for me. My baby started school and I was left alone in the house for the first time...umm, ever. I took this week off from work, which was a good thing and a very bad thing. Work clears my mind. When I am there, taking care of my patients, I am outside of myself. I am part of a bigger picture and whatever is bothering me kinda fades away due to the fact that I am either saving a life, or more often cleaning shit. Yes, literally...cleaning shit. It can be mind numbing. Try it for yourself. Get back to me after and let me know if you could think about ANYTHING else in the world other than how much you hate doing what you are doing that moment.

I also have some pretty totally amazing friends there. They understand me. They love me and they listen to me. Like I said before, Molly calls it "paid group therapy"

But this entry is not about them. It is about a friend of mine who was really a life-saver this week and it is not her profession in the career sense. But to me this week, she was just what I needed. My friend Mary put up with my crap all week...so much so that I saw her 4 times this past week and that is not counting my stalker-like running into her in the grocery store tonight. She let me hang out with her so I would not be alone in the house this week, because this was really pretty traumatic for me. She listened to me. She laughed with me. She was just...well she has always been, an amazing friend. And I look at this "negative" of the kids going back to school as maybe being a positive, because I really got to spend some time with my friend. I think it did us both some good.

Mary and I often take the kids on day trips, like the infamous Griffs sculpture park debacle of '06. Our kids get along well and really, it is always fun. Even if you end up pushing a stroller with a toddler up a mountain in 87 degree heat. We can laugh about it now, because we lived to tell the tale.

The last few weeks found us at a few parks in the area that we normally don't travel to, to a theme park, to the Buffalo waterfront and a few places in between..just hanging out and having fun. Get ready for just a few of the hundred pictures I took of our kids. Are they not DAMN cute or what?!?! And please note: you will not see any pictures of Mary here. Or me. I am taking them and Mary threatened me with death if I took any of her. I love her, but I am also a little afraid of her.

Noah and Josh hanging by the creek at Glen Island Park ( does that water look disgusting or what??)

Noah, Eden, Sammy and Josh in a typical pose.

Miss Mercy in all her glory

The gang at Glen Falls

Eden and Sammy. I adore this picture

Eden on a windy hot afternoon on the lake

The gang at the Navel Museum.

Josh and Mercy on a sugar high after ice cream

Mercy and Eden by the lake

Mercy missed the group shot being a punk in the stroller.

Sammy loving the waterfront

Finally, all the brats together!

It has to start some time,right?

2008-09-03T18:51:00.007-04:00

So today was the first day of my "new life". As of today I have all my children in school. This has never happened to me before. And for the record, I am not liking it. Not one bit. I know many moms out there are excited as hell today. Not me. I always hated the start of school. I love the easy days of summer. I love having my kids with me. They are so unique and so smart and they really are fabulous company. They make me laugh and smile and..they just make me happy. Letting them go out in the world for 8 hrs at a time is hard for me.

So today I got them up and ready for the new school year. This year I have a Junior in high school, a 6th grader and kindergatener. Oh Sammy. Sending him to school filled me with anxiety. He is a very odd and particular little man. He is not as adaptable as my other kids.

In the morning, Sammy started out cranky. He found it hard to fall asleep the night before. He was up until 11, eating crackers and taking about Monsters Inc. He has a unique speak pattern, that can drive you crazy after a few minutes. I say " Sammy, come on outside so we can wait for the bus"

"WHAT?? You want me to go outside this early in the morning!?!?"

and so it goes.
"WHAT??? You want me to carry my own lunch box?!?!?"

"WHAT??? You want me to stay in school the whole day?!?!?"

And then I did I silent prayer for the teacher. and him. and me.

So they get on the bus and off for the day.

Please ignore my front porch, which needs re-staining. I am getting to it.

So they did well. I think.

the mom was a different story.

However, everyone must know I am having a hard time this year. I ended up getting quite a few phone calls from my friends and family and before I knew it, it was time to get into the shower and meet Adam for lunch. That is something I have never had the chance to do and it was nice. Weird, but in a good way. I ran some errands and got home in time to see my high schooler off the bus.

I told him I missed him. He told me he was sorry but he was too busy "being punk and a Junior" nice. real nice.

Then the time came for Josh and Sammy to come home, so Zach and I headed out to meet the bus. And, ummmm..it did not go well. The report from one of Sammy's classmate is the Sammy cried all day because as he puts it "that bus to take me home was taking a LONG time to get there"

We snuggled and talked about his day. It was long for him. It will be an adjustment. He giggled in my bed, nuzzling me and said he loved how I smelled. Such a nutjob. Ah, but he is my nutjob. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

sigh

Is it summer vacation again yet??

How the HELL can I send him to school?!?!

2008-08-31T23:22:00.003-04:00

Honestly, Sammy makes me laugh about 20 times a day. He has unique terminology that he uses...like "can you turn up the car's weather?" if he requires more heat or a/c during a ride in the car. He is so very odd and so very funny. He has a vast and very scary knowledge of Star Wars. And I am pretty damn proud of that, thank you very much. He told me today that Darth Vader's wife was "pretty beautiful" for him, even though he was scary and that she was a good person. I swear ( and I MUST be wrong) he never even saw the newer Star Wars movies. But I do hafta agree, Natalie Portman is quite hot. He also asked me if Boba Fett and Gredo worked together, because they are both bounty hunters. I raised the kid right, what can I say.

So yesterday he was in one of those moods where he asks hundreds of questions. Everything from "how do they make Nutella?" (which is a complete, wonderful and individual food group here) to "What is your favorite Super Smash Brother's theme music" Random??...we got a whole mountain full of that here.

"Mommy, what does it feel like to be an angel?"

"Umm, Sammy how would I know, babe?"

"Well, you look like an angel. I thought you would know"

Please cue the tingly electricity from my toes to my scalp.

sigh.

I am bet I would be an awesome home school teacher. hmmmmmmmm...

I know, I know...I am insane.

but heartbroken all the same. And pretty damn jealous that some kindergarten teacher will be getting that love and those hilarious questions from 8 am to 3 pm. I will not be enjoying this...not ONE BIT.

Heartbreaking.

2008-08-27T20:14:00.003-04:00

Two word: Kindergarten Orientation.

sigh

blabbering, tweeting...whatever

2008-08-26T22:49:00.011-04:00

So yes, I am some cruddy blogger,I know, I know. But I do hope to turn that around when the boys head back to school. This is a big life change for me as it marks the first time I have been home without a child to tend to and ummm..talk to daily. I would be kidding the world if I said I was happy about this. I am so very not. But, I have to look at it in a better way, I suppose. It will give me time do get some things done around here...writing, cleaning and working more hours at the hospital. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, life goes on, so the song goes.

I also added Twitter to my blog column on the side there on the right. Twitter is a type of "mirco" blogging, or really one long run-on sentence that I can update all the time. I can do from home or from my phone, ya know, when I am out living my ultra-exciting life...someday. Oh, how I count the days until then. sigh. I am ALMOST as bad a "Twitter-er" as I am a blogger. Some people "tweet", or Twitter entry, every couple of minutes and that is just abusing it, people. I mean who really wants to know when I am brushing my teeth and with what kinda toothpaste or that I am watching my 3rd straight hour of Degrassi on TV? Or that RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MINUTE, my foot itches. Or that I would prolly "go gay" for Katie Holmes. All that goodness I will save for my blog posts. You lucky readers!

So the upshot is you can follow me here, on the side of my blog, or you can sign up at Twitter here: www.Twitter.com
My user name is heidiwolff
I know I am soooo original.

There is a pretty big group of nurses on there, for those of you who travel here when I do my occasional medical entry. Plus there are just all kinds of goodies over there. Personally I am stalking Joss Whedon and his projects on Twitter. ( Joss is the writer/creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer..and uber-sexy with a big brain and oodles of geekiness! RAWR!) I do reply to fellow "Tweets" and put in entry in every few hours ( when I remember) so you will all know when I am not sleeping (always) and doing something exciting ( never)

Get with the decade and "Twitter".

Everyone has Priorities.

2008-08-19T19:15:00.006-04:00

So today, while Josh and Sammy are lounging on my bed, as they are apt to do most summer mornings, Zach jumps in with them and begins to "wrestle" Josh. Since he is about 3 times bigger than Josh, it can quickly escalate into a real fight with all the yelling, fake (and real) injuries and crying of Smackdown!

As Zach has Josh in a full-on head lock, bouncing up and down in the bed, Sammy begins to yell at the top of his lungs..."GUYS STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!! THE REMOTE IS UNDER YOU!!!!"

Yes, the remote not your 70 lb brother's life, may hang in the balance.

I am going to show you a typical wrestling session, this one includes Josh, Zach and Zach's best friend Joe. Please note the position on Josh, who is 11. Yes, under two 16 year olds. I thank God for my patience and my medical skillz every day.

Warning: this might be long and contain cursing.

2008-08-10T17:30:00.001-04:00

So I have been busy. When am I not? But last week it was one major thing that cause quite a lot of work and a bit of stress on the whole family.

A vacation camping. With pretty much all of Adam's family. 11 children in total. A week. Yup, a whole week.

Can I just say...what the hell is relaxing about camping? Good God. I have told my friends I don't know why it is not called "pack up your whole f-ing house and take it with you" I guess "camping" is shorter and sounds more alluring. I have yet to embrace the sexiness of camping. Maybe someday, like in 2025. And when I get my own personal slave to pack and un-pack for me. Maybe then.

And really, I got off pretty light. I went down to the cabins with Adam on Sunday, but came back home until Thursday morning. Not only did Zach have commitments here, but Sammy had an appointment to get his "real" cast. Being the Children's hospital here is VERY busy, they had only ONE appointment that week. So, I brought Zach and Sammy home for the beginning of the week and left Adam to enjoy a little peace with Josh in the Allegheny mountains. I am not sure he had much "peace" with my nephews and nieces around him, but he at least made the attempt.

And it happened to be a good thing that I was home. My sister-in-law called me on Wed. night to tell me the my 4 month-old niece had seen the cardiologist that morning and was admitted to the ICU at Children's and was going to have open heart surgery the next day. And all the rest of the family was camping almost 2 hours away. So, I gathered up her other daughter, my 6 yr old niece Emily, and took her with me to meet up with the family for the remainder of our vacation. I think it was great for Emily. She rode her bike with her cousins, went to the beach, ate all kinds of junk and enjoyed family time at the campfire. I am glad I was here and got to take her with us for the weekend.

Sleeping is always a problem for me, so I was quite nervous about being away from my bed and the comforts of home. And can I say, sleeping on an air mattress is horrible. I dreamed I was Huck Finn on the Mississippi all night long. I woke up and wanted to know where Injun Joe was taking me. Good God. It is a good thing I function on VERY little sleep.

Lack of running water was my biggest problem. I would have enjoyed it much for if that was not such an issue. I couldn't even get my mind around the difficulty of washing dishes in hot water...after boiling it on the stove. I left that crap to the men. Sammy refused to pee outside stating "Trees are not for peeing on and neither is grass" So when the bath-house closest to us was closed for a back-up (such a gross thought) it was quite the fun to haul my little red-casted baby along the road to the only other bathroom in our section of the mighty forest.

I really did have a nice time with the kids. The place is beautiful. But three days is fantastic, had I been asked to drag it out for a longer, I would have snapped. Enough smores and burgers. I want Thai food and running water.

I did get to take several ( over 400) pictures while I was there for my 3 day trip and I leave you with a montage of the best of them. I think the kids might still be blind from my flash around the fire. Oh well, it is the price for art.

And BTW, my baby niece did AWESOME with the surgery and was home in three days. Frickin' amazing!

I will be back with much more of my summer and craziness but I wanted to get a post out there, before y'all sent out a search party.

It is gonna be painful...

2008-07-17T20:30:00.007-04:00

FOR ME! This will be the longest 6-8 weeks of my life. Here is why:

Zach and I spent the afternoon in the ER with Sammy and his broken foot. We have been lucky so far. Sammy and I have the same "brittle bone" disease. I broke my leg at 9 months. My brother Rogie broke his at 11 months. We have had 5 broken bone free years so far. That record ended yesterday while Sammy was running at my parents house and slipped. Now, I am not sure of the real story as Sammy is into the VERY vague stage:

"Sam, what were you doing at grandma's house?"

"everything"

Yes. That explains it. Anyway, he came home limping and I gave him the general assessment. Today he was no better and it was off to x-rays for us. We were so lucky, the ER was almost empty and we were in and out in about 2 hours. He gets a soft splint for 5 days, then sees the ortho doctor. And as usual we got the parade of doctors, med student and nurses to pop into our room and ask about our bone condition and to look at the blue "whites" of our eyes. I am really pretty used to that, it happened all my life whenever Rogie or I won a trip to the ER.

I told Sam I should leave him in the hospital until he was all healed. His eyes blinked away tears and he said, "but we are suppose to live our lives together, for all of your life" awww, yes, I assured him. Forever. Goodness, can't tease that kid I guess.

There are no crutches small enough for him, so it will be the lifting team of Mom, Dad, Zach and Josh INC. for the next few days. I suggested he crawl and he just about fainted. Honestly.

So he gets home and turns into the little Emperor. Okay, I know he is suppose to be bearing no weight, but really the screams of "mommy come here, I NEED YOU!!" are making my ears bleed. It was cute the first 50 times. As if the four of us did not already wait on him hand and foot. I do know he is really hurting because he actually drank pain medicine without two of us holding him down and ALL of us wearing sticky orange Motrin. Poor baby! :(

Crutch is a cool nickname for Zach, right??

So far behind I can see my own ass...

2008-07-15T19:45:00.005-04:00

Really, I just need to give it over now. Submit. I am a bad blogger. I have so many posts in the works, and can I FINISH ONE?? Nope. There is something that makes me nuts about clicking "new post" . I never said I was right in the head, people.

Anyway, I have so many thing to share and they are coming, just like Christmas. For right now I just have to share my favorite picture of the weekend. I take a huge number of photos and sometimes I get a great one. This one was taken at the Taste of Buffalo event downtown this weekend.

Tell me how I can not love this kid? Makes me happy and girly. Such a good big brother!

Dragging my butt to work in at 6 am. Damn sick people! They are so needy.

sigh

Cuz this makes me feel happy and I need it...

2008-07-10T20:22:00.008-04:00

Work and a busy summer is kinda kicking my ass this week and another 13+ hr day at work looms tomorrow...starting at 5 am. It feels like I was just there! I have had some of the sickest patients as well as being bubbly and effervescent in orienting several new nurses to the unit.

This video from Where the Hell is Matt? makes me happy. Like a drug for me today. And man, do I need a fix!

Enjoy!!

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Blog Tagged...whatever the heck that means.

2008-07-06T22:40:00.002-04:00

My friend Jen, who lives in Tennessee "blog tagged" me. She is lucky at this moment that she lives a good 10 hr car ride away and that gas is so expensive, or I would be down there strangling her. I mean the nerve of "forcing me to blog". The witch. I guess I hafta beat her when I go down to visit her in October. Anyway, from what I gather, I have to answer a survey, like the one she did to move on with my life. A blog type chain letter, if you will.

Here goes:

Where I was 10 years ago:
Hmmm, I had a 6 yr old and an almost 2 year old. We were getting ready to head to Disney World in the beginning of Aug. I had also just found out the my floor at the hospital had closed and started in the ICU where I am now. Was working full time nights and cried just about every day on the way home from work because I thought I was the worst nurse in the world, or quite possibly retarded. I thought I would NEVER be able to function there as an ICU nurse. Somedays I still feel like that..truth be told. But I sucked it up and stuck with it and now I am friggin' brilliant. Ohhhh yeah. Not so much.

5 things on my to do list today:
1. get Jen's shit together to send her, FINALLY.
2. make a list and grocery shop at Wegman's ( you KNOW you are jealous, Jen!).
3. order dehumidifier inserts for my hearing aid cleaner ( OH! How exciting my life is! Waahooo!)
4. call my nurse manager and tell her what days I can work next schedule.
5. retrieve my children from my 'rents house at some point tomorrow.

Snack food I like: I go through phases. Right now, edamame, almonds, my homemade guacamole with Lime tortilla chips, cucumbers with salt, and some m&ms never hurt anyone.

If I were a billionaire I would: Pay off everyone's blah, blah, blah after they kissed my feet and called me beautiful ( just kidding about the feet part), let my kids and my cousins see the world, including( but not excluding other trips) Iceland, New Zealand, Australia, Thailand and Japan. Buy one KICK ASS villa in Disney World, have my brother kidnapped and FORCED to get well. Visit Marty and Alex and tour Europe with them for a few months. Granted one wish for every person who works on my floor and each of my friends, because they mean the world to me.

Places I have lived: Holy crap, I am boring. I have lived in 4 houses my whole life..all within 25 miles of each other. Cheektowaga, NY ( x2) Elma, NY and West Seneca, NY. And ya know what? I LOVE it. I can travel and come home. Most of my family is here. My history is here. My heart is here. And I couldn't care less if that is seen as "boring". It is me.

Who I tag?? Good golly, I don't know.If you wanna follow my lead..then link me up or mail me and I will post it, if you don't blog. Jump in here people! I am drowning with lackage of blog traffic! ;-) Help a sister out!

I have sinned...it has been many days since my last post!

2008-07-04T11:55:00.001-04:00

Holy slackage, Blogman! It has been waaaay too long since I got my butt in here and wrote something. That is not to say my life has been boring...not for a minute. I guess I just needed to pick something to write about. Reign in my adult ADD. And also It would be great to write something and not be asked to read a story, tie a shoe, pay a bill or cure the plague when I am right in the middle of a thought.

Let's see, in the last week I have been trapped in an elevator, worked many days, taken the three boys on a road trip to Ohio (over 500 miles round trip) to see family, dealt with some stressful family issues, been blog tagged ( I am getting to it Jen...I am), had a stroke at the gas pump, made several meals including our new addiction fresh guacamole, worked on hundreds of pictures and a church project in Photoshop, met up with an old friend and his wife, drank my weight in diet cherry Pepsi and I am sure many, many other things. See? I was busy.

Let's focus.

Well, let's talk about the road trip. My 91 year old great-grandmother is alive and well in rural Ohio with her husband, George. My father makes it a point to try to get there every year or more. This trip I joined him with the boys and my aunt and my mom. Sounds like quite the adventure, huh?? Then you don't know my family.

Actually it was fine, our visit was great with Nana and George. They are amazing. I should be so lucky to be active and mobile as they are now. It is just the road tripping that I am not fond of, especially when you are following my parents ( or really, my dad as navigator) and they wanna drive through all the towns of rural Ohio to get us to a main highway, turning a 3 and half hour drive into 5. GOOD GRAVY, I was going insane. And it is all my fault. I had my own concise directions, but NO...I had to follow. I was never so happy to see an entrance to the Thru-way. GOD BLESS the 90! Zach and I agree, next time we go OUR way. He is the Kermit to my Studebaker driving Fozzie Bear. Movin' right along...

The kids are great travelers, except Sammy was not really getting the hotel concept. He just wanted to go home and sleep there. Here is a tally of the trip:

Times Sammy asked to go HOME: about 500

Wrong turns that needed to be corrected: 5

Trips to Target cuz I forgot shirts for Josh: 1

Amish buggies we passed: 3

songs that my kids and I belted out together in the car: almost 1000

Of those, songs that were Fresh Prince songs: at least 6 (and I am not ashamed to admit it!)

People Sammy climbed over in the spa, no regard for personal space: 3

So the kids got to swim in the hotel pool, visit the great-great grandparents, see an Amish hardware store, visit the Smuckers outlet, eat all manner of junk including Chick-Fil-A for the first time, and sit in a car for 9 hours or so. Good times!

But, you want photo proof?
You got it!

Amish Sammy.

Nana with the Great- Great Grandsons

My 'rents with Nana and George

Me and my daddy.

Cutest Damn Fish you ever saw!

Need a cookie cutter? I know just the place!

And Axes?? Holy Moley!

What can I say?

Need more cowbells???

Smuckers!

Whew, so much more to write, but I hafta get myself beautiful for the 4th at our friend's house. hmmm, beautiful might push it. I just wanna not scare their kids. I don't have time for beautiful! ;-)

Messing with his Seoul

2008-06-21T01:42:00.003-04:00

I will fully admit it...I mess with my kids. ALL. THE. TIME.

I think you should keep them guessing. I think they need to be prepared that their loving mother will suddenly yell their name at the top of her lungs while we are quietly watching tv, just "cuz" or that I will wait, ever so patiently, outside the bathroom door, just to be able to yell and jump out at them the second that door swings open.

I call it love.

And no one is easier to mess with...errr, sorry "love" than Joshua. Man, that kid is easy bait. And I know he is the middle kid and those poor middle kids have it tough, but DAMN! It is so easy and so much fun.

The other night, snuggling on the couch with Josh was the perfect opportunity.

"Josh, honey, I need to tell you something" I get that serious mom voice, which I must say I NEVER use, and maybe that is the problem. When I use the "mom" voice, they KNOW I am messing around. But I hold it together. I look him right in the eye and take a deep breath.

"Josh, sweetheart. You....you....( insert dramatic sigh)...you are adopted"

"MOM! I know I am not adopted" I assure him, yes, he is. He offers proof that I am mother, among the facts he presented was that I was 23 when I had him and "who gives a baby to a 23 year old to raise?". I tell him it was my maturity that tipped the scales, and gave me little baby Josh.

I tell him he should be glad, I picked him out of all the babies at the orphanage. He was the cutest. (honestly, he was my cutest baby. Pictures of him at about a year old make me still all mushy and giggly inside)

"Honey, we went to great pains to make sure we hid it. I am so sorry and...( another dramatic sigh and pause...maybe a fake tear in my eye) there is more, honey"

At this point Josh is flipping between semi-shock and annoyance.

"Josh, baby...you are really Korean"

"MOM. I KNOW I AM NOT KOREAN. Good God!"

He storms into our room and tells Adam what I told him.

Adam, in a VERY well played move, says "yes, Josh. We are sorry. Just watch an episode of M*A*S*H. If you tear up at all, you will know what we are saying is true"

"Nice, mom. Not only are you INSANE, now you are dragging dad into this crap"

"awww, Josh don't be mad at me. I am taking a Korean language class so I can finally talk to you and you will understand me"

"mom, I doubt that is EVER gonna happen cuz you are CRAZY! I will never understand you"

next I heard Zach talking to him in some "Asian" sounding language and following it with "You know what I mean, Josh??" and I was again proud. The torture is so much better when you have a group.

Rest assured, I will make Josh feel at home. I found a recipe for Korean kimchi. I might make that for him for dinner. I told him he has to embrace is culture and get back to his roots. It is only right.

Right??

As much as I don't want to say good-bye...

2008-06-17T19:22:00.009-04:00

So you can't turn on the TV or pick up a paper since Friday without seeing the story about Tim Russert.

I happen to live in his home town...and even more than that, I live across the street from his father, Big Russ. Zach started off in the same elementary school that Tim attended, and we all met him when he came home for one of his frequent visits. When our town finally cleared the land at the end of our street and built a park, it was the brother of my son's best friend who suggested it be proclaimed Tim Russert Park. Several of my friends attended Tim's high school, Canisius.

There is not a person in this city that is not sad about the loss of our friend. Tim was just a down to earth guy. One of the last gentlemen. When you talked to him, he was just a Buffalo guy, like his father.

I would be lying if I told you I didn't tear up that afternoon, when I got several calls at work about Tim. And then again at the news compilation of Tim's hometown spirit and another about his son, Luke. And all of us cried at the picture of Luke touching his dad's Meet the Press chair, on a darkened stage.

I am sure many other people can put it more eloquently. To say Tim will be missed is an understatement. I take comfort in the fact that part of him will go on in his son, Luke. The Russert's have done an amazing job and raised a mature, intelligent and incredible young man. I watched his interview with Matt Lauer again this morning and he just blows me away with his grace and confidence. I am glad Tim and his wife gave us that gift, his son.

I am not good at good-byes. I hate them actually. I guess I am like my grandmother, Betty. She would NEVER say good-bye..always "see you later"

So, I say "Good Journey, Tim"
When I get to heaven ( if I make there ..it is not looking too good so far) I wanna see you interview quite a few people. I am sure they have re-runs up there.

Tim, you are loved and greatly missed.

Stepping up the Vocabulary

2008-06-15T11:33:00.002-04:00

I encourage the boys to use more colorful vocabulary in their everyday life.

today overheard:

Josh: Zach, man, you smell like the inside of a colon.

Zach: Thanks, Josh. You are just like Abraham Lincoln. You know why?? Cuz I am gonna shoot you in the back of the head.

That was history and creative language. A parenting job well done I think. Yes. I am quite proud of myself today.

Brotherly love.

I am sure Adam is so happy I made him a father. ;-)

Isotopes in the air.

2008-06-11T22:32:00.007-04:00

I dunno why I thought my day was going to get better than the elevator ride to my floor.

I get on the elevator this morning, bright and early at 6:20. A man with a dolly, loaded with two metal ( lead) boxes gets on with about 10 or so elderly people and a woman from our admissions department leading them to the same-day surgery floor.

side note: as I re-tell this story to my co-workers, Mary Anne says "the guy had a baby dolly??" No, a pully thing for dragging heavy shit here and there. See? Where I work a man carrying a "baby dolly" would not be too weird or strange. It would just make a really good story.

So anyway, we get to the 3rd floor and the guy says ( VERY loudly) "Coming through! This stuff has to get off! RADIOACTIVE. Radioactive coming through" He moves through us, all packed asshole to bellybutton with no room to spare. I reach through two people and hold the "Door Open" button for the guy. He proceeds to say again "RADIOACTIVE. On your legs there, radioactive!!"

really??

No we use dyes and such that are marked with VERY low levels of radiation all the time in certain patient tests. Pretty common. And these were in lead lined boxes. Give me a freakin' break. Someone has some overblown either fear of the job or sense of importance. Good lord, there is NO reason to say "RADIOACTIVE" at the top of your lungs 15 times and scared a bunch of poor old people.

As the door close one man turns to me and says " Would have been nice if maybe he told us before we were all smack up against that stuff!" Good point, sir and why are your eyelashes glowing??

sigh

So I punch the button for my unit and as I walk though the double doors I say to the bunch of nurses standing there "You do know this place in an insane asylum, right?"

My friend Laurie looks up and says "Yeah, and she has only been here 20 seconds. Baby, give it time. It grows on you. Just like mold"

I bet a little radiation would kill that mold. Or was that make it stronger? I forget.

More near accidents...

2008-06-10T15:22:00.004-04:00

So last night I take my 80 yr old grandmother and her 85 yr old sister to the casino to meet up with my parents.

My parents, my great aunt and I ate dinner together ( my grandmother could not be bothered to take time away from gambling)

My octogenarian casino partners have a little habit of sneaking cookies out of the buffet and hiding them in their purse for later. Since babcia ( grandma) had not had dinner, she complained on the HOUR ride home she was hungry. Auntie dug through her purse and produced a napkin wrapped cookie for her.

Grandma: No, Helen. It is too dry. I can't eat that. I need milk or something.

Aunt Helen: Well, I am sorry Emma, my boobs are all flat, I guess I am out.

car swerves.

my god

Later that trip:

Aunt Helen : Hey! Is that rain on the windshield, Heidi??

Grandma: well, it is not piss, Helen.

Yup, I am in the right family. Oh yeah.

This is what happens...

2008-06-09T00:17:00.004-04:00

when you have too much "playtime" with your kids. I don't even have an excuse like "I was drunk" (cuz I really never have been truly drunk)

I am gonna say that he held me down and I stopped struggling so that his hand was steady and it didn't look like complete crap...before I washed it off. But not before we posed for a series of ridiculous photos, of course.

;-)

YAY!! Summer is coming. Late night playtime for months!! It can't come soon enough for me!

There's a Moon Out Tonight.

2008-06-04T22:11:00.002-04:00

You know why many nurses are superstitious?? Because it is ALL true. The full moon and the days preceding and the days after make people nuts. If you say the "Q" word (quiet...ahem) all hell is going to break loose. If you reminisce about a "frequent flier" patient that was particularly horrible or had an insane family ( or both) they WILL be admitted within the next week to the floor and YOU will have them as your assignment. This last one actually happened to me THREE times. I kid you not. One time, one of my adorable co-irkers ( NOT a typo) said "You guys remember blah, blah, blah with the crazy sister who broke down and told us they were MORE than siblings? what ever happened to him??" I swear to you not two days later I was suctioning orange and black sprinkles out of him from a donut he was force fed at the rehab facility. It was October, hence the black and orange.

So when you get smacked in the head enough with these "truths" you have to believe it.

And I made that mistake this past week. I was thinking..."you know, I have not had a REALLY sick patient in a while." Enter the ICU gods. You want a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sick patient, chicky, you are gonna get it. I dared to think it. And I only thought it...I never said it aloud. I wouldn't dare!

I was up for the "hit", meaning I had one patient and should there be an admission from ER or a code blue in the hospital...I would be the nurse taking that patient. Now, many times this is a "roll the dice and take your chances" position. Many times the supervisor likes to leave us with an open bed, in case there is a code in the house. So you could cruise through the night with only one patient and not get anything, OR if you are me, you get a broken person, who needs to be fixed or patched the best you can.

Now, we work 12.5 hours shifts. Admissions are quite a bit of work for the most part. Charts to put together, blood work, assessment of the whole patient, teaching with the family, questions, phone calls and the is on top of the PHYSICAL caring for the patients EVERY need..on and on. Me? I would rather get the patient early in my shift, so I have time to wade through the crap and pull it together by morning. I will admit that I am not the best nurse when it comes to charting. I find it boring and tedious. I would rather be doing ANYTHING else. Plus, it is pointless for the most part. Checking boxes, writing the same things over and over.

Anyway, the other night I got a "train wreck" of a patient. Having a HUGE, HUGE heart attack right in front of my eyes. And really, she was so sick all I could do was chase my tail all night and put out fire after fire when they came up. Her heart rate would be high, her blood pressure low, her blood sugar high, her oxygen saturation low. I never got anywhere. I was struggling and the quick sand was covering me. I thank heaven my co-workers kept throwing me a rope and letting me know I at least asking the right questions, doing the right things.

I am not a person who gets frazzled easily, that night was one where I was on the verge. It only happens from time to time. That night was a doozy.

But I need nights like those. They remind me..goddamn, I do not know it all, I need my co-workers more than I can imagine and that I really like busting my ass every now and again. Now listen up ICU gods...I do not need a night like that all the time, but it does remind me that I know more than I think I do ( sometimes) and I am not bad at my job ( most times) And you know what...I get PAID to work, not sit on my ass. Sometimes I need to be slapped around with that fact, even it I feel like puking in the morning and my legs are jumpy in bed cuz they are not used to being still.

Just a little art for today

2008-05-31T23:14:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago my best friend Rosanne called me out of the blue and said that since it was the last day of good weather for a while, we should get the kids out to the park and enjoy it. And gladly we did, the next day it dropped to the 40's. This May has been sucky.

The day was windy but sunny and Sammy and my "niece" Julia had a fabulous time. The park near our house is quite amazing, complete with a creek perfect for duck feeding (sadly none that day, even though Aunt Heidi had bread stashed in her purse), rock throwing and tadpole watching. Julia kept saying "Mama, I threw that rock in the POOL!" Yup, the is one cool "pool", peanut.

We did have a great time and Sammy kept telling me how very much he loved Julia's "beautiful yellow hair"

Just some art to celebrate the day. I am in a bit of a funk and I need some art making to make me feel better.

PSD template (loosely used) by Kim Hill and all doo dads to make the pictures more beautiful are by Mo Jackson, digital Goddess extraordinaire! Her art makes me all giggly inside. For those of you not into digital art, 100% of that layout is digital, fake, artificial, manufactured. Pretty frickin' cool, huh?? Photoshop makes me smile.

Cue the choir of Angels.

2008-05-27T20:13:00.000-04:00

I have a new obsession:

Philosophy's shampoo and body wash. This set includes Belgian Waffle, Blackberry sauce, and Frosted Cream.

Typically, I do not enjoy smelling like food but something about these scents are so marvelous that I forget that previous hang-up. The boys love them...a bit too much. I might hide them in my room.

My new thing is to wash Sammy in them and go around all day smelling his head. I might make that my new diet...slather Sammy in good smelling stuff and keep him close. Half of taste and eating is smell....so I think it will work out fabulously!

Where is that kid?? I need a waffle fix!!!

The Return..

2008-05-16T23:55:00.008-04:00

I knew it was coming. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. A mother just knows these things. I knew it was too good to be true.

My punk went back to being a punk.

He did it before. I am sure he will again. It is hair. It will grow back and I am all about "letting him be his own person, blah, blah, blah"
Truth is...YES, Zach...I hate it. But, it isn't my head.

And I think he forgets too, it is a pain in the ass to take care of. I hate buying hair glue by the gallon. I hate having to listen to my mother tell me how much she hates it. Hey, you know what mom?? I hated when my brother Marty dyed his hair blue. Remember that one? And after he washed it a few times it faded and turned green? Then his dark hair grew back in and it looked all salt and pepper. Good times.

I think he will quickly remember when he sleeps with that crap in his hair and all flakes off like he shedding his cocoon, that this is a pain in the ass.

sigh

whatever. I let him do it. I tell myself there are 100 other MUCH worse things he could be doing, instead of listening to music too loud and putting me in a head lock. So, I deal. What is my choice, right?

And please note the cute little cookie cutting his hair.

That is Katie. Take a curtsy to the blogsphere, Katie. Say hi to everyone. This is Zach's ummmmm friend. Or so he tells me. They are just hanging out. PU-Lease. I am not a moron. I did see the hickey, people. Zach, you do know I was 16 once...WITH YOUR FATHER. Sheesh.

And if he doesn't find her great I am gonna beat him with a shovel. She is sweet, loves her mom ( big selling point there for me), smart, personable. What is not to like?
And now? They have matching punkness hair. Skank on! ( which is a type of dance, non-punk people. It is not a derogatory term)

I just have this vision of our discussion in 20 years...

Zach: Mom, you were really cool to let me jack up my hair like that...but boy, do I look stupid!

A girl can dream, right??

Danger, Danger, Sammy!

2008-05-13T00:11:00.007-04:00

Everything with Sammy is "too dangerous". That is his out for everything he doesn't want to do something.

"I can't go to bed NOW...it is too dangerous"

"I can't pick up my own toys..it is too dangerous!"

So today Adam asks him if he wants a hot dog to eat.

"Oh! I can't eat a hot dog! They are too dangerous. They have gristle all over them and they are too hot!"

We give up and give him his "safe" butter sandwich. *gag* Something about how he says DANGEROUS...he drops his voice a bit, he really emphasises it. Makes you believe, there might be danger. You just never know. That or I am a broken down old mother, who is sick of arguing with him. Your choice.

Tonight I say a prayer for his up-coming kindergarten teacher. May she steer Sammy through all his danger, real or imagined.

That kid is a nut job and I am sure Adam blames me and all that late night television I watched when I was pregnant. Radiation and all.

While eating his sandwich, he told me "I need some 5 Hour Energy. It tastes great, there is no sugar and it is only 4 calories"

See? Too much tv again. Turned my kid into a walking commercial. Like that maniac needs ANY extra energy? My God. No thanks. My brother would be proud though, he drinks that crap like crazy.

Also overheard from Sammy this week:

Adam: "Sammy, go in the living room."

Sammy : "WHY??"

Adam: "Will you just do it, please."

Sammy: "I hate when you say "just do it" because it means you don't know WHY ELSE!!"

It took all my will power to not laugh out loud, because as bratty as that may be, there is some truth in it.

Ah! My dangerous kid! Gotta love him!

Cuz I can't take just NORMAL pictures!

2008-05-11T20:06:00.023-04:00

Mothers Day weekend found us busy, as usual.

But (sniff, sniff) I didn't see my mommy. And that blows. I did talk to her briefly, but it is not the same.

I have a cuddly, take-care-of-you-when-you-are-sick, cry-at-your-graduation, make-you-cookies and fudge mommy. Our last family vacation was riddled with problems, one of which was me getting horribly sick and ending up heading to the ER in Daytona beach. It was the night before Thanksgiving and I had a 103 degree temperature. Laying on my father-in-law's couch ( in between the puking and the blacking out) I cried to Zachary that "I just want my mom" in the MOST whiny, between tears voice. Zach is rubbing my back and saying "mom, I wish I could just get her for you. I really do" And I talked to her the next day, sobbing, I begged her to just come get me, I just need her. Even the way she smells soothes me. And she started crying too. I know she would have come to me, if she could. (and yes, I felt horrible I made her cry and I called her later in the week when I was better to tell her I was sorry for being a big baby) I will be lucky if my kids think I am that good a mom. Very lucky.

Saturday night, Adam and I went to visit my grandma in rehab. She is doing great. walking great with a walker and complaining it it way too hot there, ya know, for the OLD PEOPLE. We met my uncle and aunt there and then headed to dinner at a fabulous Italian restaurant for dinner.

Sunday we woke up and cooked our half of brunch to take to Rochester. Adam's grandparents live there and his grandma just got home from rehab for a knee replacement. She is doing very well too. It was a good time there with my mother-in-law, her husband, the great-grandparents and us.

and there were photos. lots of photos.

you know...boring regular ones...

But then ummmm......I am not so much a boring, standard mom. So we had to take a few more.

Happy Mother's Day...MY WAY!

Well, if they think I am fabulous mom, like mine, remains to be seen. But they will know I am crazy. I have lots of fun with them. That I love them. That I have an insane sense of humor.

And get this! They ALL fell asleep on the way home. Buttheads.

EVEN ADAM!

And yes. I took pictures while driving. I admit it. So there. It needed to be done.

Adam did make me a great dinner when we got home. Steak, baked potatoes and creamed spinach. Most excellent. ( MARY!! Did you get that?? I mentioned him and posted pictures of him!!! It is like a historic day! Mark it down...I don't know when it will happen again!)

It's the man with the badge, the PO-lice, the cops, the fuzz, the P-I-...DON'T YOU DARE!

2008-05-06T01:33:00.001-04:00

The title is from the Muppet Movie, lest you think I have flipped my wig. Oddball, weirdo fact about me...Rowlf is my favorite muppet. Like you REALLY care...

So this week has been weird. I was planning a few quiet days off and then the world had it's way with me. There was not one day that I wasn't going somewhere or getting something done. It is that time of the year, indeed. There was the kids doctor appointments, Josh's orthodontic visit, my grandmother having surgery, a surprise party for my uncle, trampoline classes for Josh, a baby shower, and oh yeah, ADAM BOUGHT ME TICKETS TO SEE THE POLICE!!!

Let's just take a minute here, so I can drool on my keyboard:

Scruffy Sting, RAWR!!!

Firstly, The Police. Adam got me tickets for my birthday/Mother's Day and we decided I would go with Zach as he is a fan as well, and Adam not so much. It should be said that Elvis Costello opened up for them and he was incredible!
The boys look great, except, Stewart Copeland ,dude, it is called hair color for men. Lord, baby you are looking OLD!
We had a fabulous time. They played King of Pain and So Lonely back to back, it was all I could do not to faint. Zach elbowed me and smiled. He knew I was in heaven. Later, of course, he told me "I saw you...you cried like a little bitch, but that is okay. I cried when I first saw Rancid. It means you are a real fan." Which was said in a joking, funny matter, lest you think my kid is a back talker. Not so. He would then meet Mrs. Back-hander. ahem

anyway, for once in my life, the crazy drunk dancing girl was not sitting next to me or right in front of me. She a few rows ahead of me and to the left. Zach rolled his eyes at me several times. Ya know, when you are a drunk asshole, you are only funny to yourself. You just piss everyone else off. But she was far enough a way to not bother me or obstruct the view of sexy, scruffy, yummy Sting, even if she was spelling out S.O.S during Message in a Bottle. Dork! Yes, yes young girl, your dancing and singing along caught the attention of Sting, a football field length away. Your poor boyfriend tried to make you sit, BUT NO! You needed to take our your lighter for Invisible Sun. A song which I can't stand anyway.

But anyway...Josh went to trampoline class on Saturday and they beat the hell out of him for 95 mins. Quite the aerobic workout, I must say. The teacher kept telling me that adults take his class *wink, wink* I told him I would end up breaking my hip and/or neck. He said "Ohhh, no! I have a 25 years long record of no injuries". Ummmm..baby, prepare for that record to be broken, like my body as they medi-vac me to a trauma center. The doctor will say "Was this woman hit by a car??"

"no, doctor. It was a trampoline that got her"

So Josh and Sammy are going to do all the jumping for me. It is enough exercise for me to wrangle those beasts into the car and get them there. ;-) Especially with Sammy's growing Wii addiction. Thank goodness that better weather is coming and I can get him out in the yard. I had to shut the Wii down the other day when I heard Sammy wail at the top of his lungs "WHAT??? Why do ERRORS have to OCCUR" when the game disc failed to load properly. Drama. Oh the drama. I wonder what a kid's dose of Valium would be?

And update on my grandma: Surgery went VERY well, she says her pain is gone, she is walking again. She was shipped off to rehab for a few weeks but is doing VERY well. We were worried about the outcome, as of course the doctor could not say for sure if she would walk again. That old broad is tough and she has places to be. Get the hell out of her way! Of course, she is fighting to get home as fast as possible, and we are all cautious. She is going to make us all crazy, but that is her job and oh! does she do it well. Rock on, babcia!

And the kids doctor visits were LONG...almost 2 hours in the office. Their doctor was mine as a kid and NO, he is not THAT old. Thank you VERY much. He is great, but slow, methodical, very thorough. Sammy got two shots and yelled "HEY, Lady Doctor, you hurt me!!" the poor nurse must hate that job. I would hate giving kids shots.

And I must get my old body to bed. Work tomorrow night. Good gracious! I am too busy to fit work in there too. Good Gravy!

smooches all!

Almost like driving your car into the Niagara River...

2008-04-30T00:18:00.000-04:00

Warning: this post is gonna have some ummmm....dirty words in it. Spoken by an 80 yr old Polish woman and ALSO my sweet, little MOM. You were warned.

My babcia ( grandma) is in the hospital. And really that is not very funny, but that woman cracked me up in so many ways today.

My babcia will be 80 in a few weeks, but she is an INCREDIBLE 80. She is not sickly, she takes VERY few medications and until last week she got around just fine. About five years ago she was diagnosed with arthritis and spinal stenosis in her back and the doctor told her some day it would effect her walking. Well, it has finally. She is unable to bear any weight and she needs the discs decompressed.

But she is NOT sick, as she has told me several times in the past few days. She is FINE, and HEIDI, STOP MESSING WITH MY PILLOWS and I CAN GET TO THE WHEELCHAIR BY MYSELF! She actually looks damn healthy in that bed, and may that be the way it continues after her surgery tomorrow. She told me sick people are puking and stuff like that, and I was grateful for the definition being an ICU nurse and all. ;-)

She told me on Monday: "Heidi, it took 3 M.I.Ts to get me out of the house"

"M.I.Ts, babcia? I think you mean EMTs"

"yup, whatever they are called"

She is too funny that chicky.

So as I find her in the ER on Monday night, she is sitting with her sister, my 85 year old great aunt, who acts maybe 60. There are some FANTASTIC genes in that family. So it is me, my mom, my grandma and my great aunt all passing the VERY boring wait in the ER. This is our regular casino group, the four of us. And I hate to admit to you just how frequently we all gather up and head north together to roll the dice and take our chances.

So my grandma and my aunt start to tell us stories, which I love. They tell me all kinds of interesting things about growing up poor, having fun together and giving me a glimpse into my family. I am always entertained.

They start to talk about going to school and their adventures there. Then IT happens.

I am scarred for life. My grandma freaks me out, like no one else can...except my mom. I can tell they are related.

My grandma tells this story, but it is really better if you hear it in a slightly polish, buffaloian accent, but here goes:

"and when I was in 5th grade we were in a classroom with 4 grades all in one room. Some of the 8th grade boys got in real trouble one year because they loved to whip their dicks out and wave them around at the girls"

OH. MY. GAWD.

my grandma said DICK. If I could plug my ears, I would. Frickin' hearing aids.

BUT! This is not as bad as the time I ALMOST killed the four of us driving back from the casino.

Same cast of characters: me, my mom, grandma and great Auntie Helen.
We are talking about current news stories and something about a rapist or molester or the like and my mom says:
"you know, they should just cut off his cock"

I swerve in the road a little. There is VERY little stopping us from carenning into the Niagara River to the right of me.
"MOM! OH MY GOD! PLEASE, STOP!"

"WHAT??"

"I am going to have a car accident and it will be very hard to tell the cops why, but they might understand when I say my mom said cock in the car and I blacked out"

My aunt and grandmother start with a chorus of "Heidi! We are old, not dead. We know what a cock is, my god. Heidi are you a prude or what??" The chided me on and on.

"that is is! NO ONE TALK again in the car. I mean it. At least until I get over the Grand Island bridge, or we are all going to die"

"what was I suppose to say, Heidi?? Dick? penis?"

"MOM!!!"

I am half laughing, half ready to puke. Part of me thought about driving into the river ON PURPOSE to stop the talking.

sigh

Those crazy gals. I love 'em.

I am off to the hospital with my Auntie Helen to wait during her surgery. I should maybe make up index cards for topics of conversation so no discussion turns to talk of male anatomy. I should get going on that...I am worried

;-)

What is the What?

2008-04-28T23:55:00.009-04:00

So I have a bad blogger again. I am gonna play a little catch-up.

1. I registered Sammy for school. I handed in all the requisite paperwork, which let me tell you, is DUMB. There was a packet of info that need to be filled out, and while I acknowledge the need for physicals and such, some of the paperwork is redundant. They must have asked me on five forms what language we speak at home. Wouldn't one time be enough for me to tell them that we only grunt and point when needed? So anyway, I handed in my forms, my tax bill ( to prove I live in the district, even though my other child was on the wall as the current "Terrific Kid" of the month and my oldest has also been through the school), immunization forms, language assistance forms, school policy forms, a copy of our family tree, a tin can and a roll of pennies. Lord. Okay the last few were an exaggeration slightly. And then I walked quickly to my car and cried. Not a huge sobbing cry, but a "my heart is going to break a little" way. My baby.

I asked him if he was excited about school. Josh and Zach were so ready to go. Sammy said "so this school thing, ummm...I will have to be away from you ALL day. That doesn't sound like a good deal" I agree. That deal sounds like POOP!

*SOB*

2. Work has been a mixed bag of horrible and not bad enough to kill yourself. I did get an old man to say "hey there nursey...I like your touch" and that is just gross and kinda nice at the same time. I have picked up some of my "normal" day shifts and I am realizing I am old and my body craves a normal schedule. I think day shift might be where I end up for a while. My neck is still out of whack from some of our larger and not so cooperative patients. I maybe having an affair with my neck massage pillow. It might be a three way with me, the neck pillow and my heating pad. You balance that with taking just enough Motrin so you don't puke up blood and I can just about move my neck in every direction. That is all I ask. I am a girl with simple needs.

3. I got my birthday/mother's day gift and I LOVE IT! I got a necklace with my boys on it.

I got it here: www.lisaleonard.blogspot.com

4. I am attempting to finish up some new photo layouts for our living room. We are going to paint and we need some updating. Here are the fruits of my labor...well a few of them anyway.
The Adirondacks:

Monument Valley, Utah

Albuquerque:

Great Sand Dunes, Colorado

Ack, so many more layouts to finish up, but at the moment I am tired and I should get myself to bed.

smooches to all....

maybe more tomorrow!

Why I can never take a nap before work...

2008-04-21T19:48:00.005-04:00

I tried to take a short nap before putting on my scrubs to do battle with the Angel of Death. It never works. There is always something more noisy or much more amusing to engage in. Even in my deafness I could hear Sammy's screams of joy while beating his brother in Super Mario Brothers Brawl. ahhh...it is the little things.

This video proves Zach is an excellent big brother, that Sammy NEVER wears pants in the house and the Wii has made all of our lives complete.

By request: For Robin!

2008-04-18T17:40:00.006-04:00

So my online buddy Robin had asked for a picture of my birthday cake and I was wondering what I was going to do about that, as I had not actually had or eaten any birthday cake this year. *GASP*

I know, I know. When we ate out at the restaurant for our birthdays I didn't take any pictures, which for me is just plain INSANE. However: 1. I didn't wanna feel all queer taking pictures in a quiet little restaurant and 2. mary has a very strict "no pictures" policy. And as I have said before, I am a delicate peach. I just can't risk the bruising.

But, I did lay the ground work for a cake at work last week. One of our respiratory therapists, Frank just loves me to pieces. I mean, who can blame him. And last Wednesday at work I threw out that random "Oh, I will not be working this weekend, it is the celebration of my birth" thing in front of Frank. My friend and fellow nurse Becky elbowed me and batted her eyes saying "Oh Frank...I will be celebrating a special occasion this weekend. REAL smooth, Heidi!"

And you know what? it worked. So there. Frank came bearing cake. YAY! So sweet!

A thanks to Frank, for making a girl feel loved, even if she is an old hag.

To share the love of Ed.

2008-04-17T23:04:00.009-04:00

So I have this friend. A very dear, close friend, named Jen. And she is all pouty because I have yet to write about her at length. Well buckle up, Jen. It is time for the Ed story.

Jen and I have been friends since high school. I was new to the school as a freshman, coming from a class size of 20 to the incoming freshman class of about 250. Really never in my life have I been called "shy". I do not suffer from "social anxiety disorder" by any means, but this situation was kinda messing up my world. Jen was kind to me right off the bat in Girls' Chorus. She laughed (still does ) at my stupid jokes. She makes me feel special to this very day and I really thank her for it, because at that time in my life, very few others were kind to me. We have been friends since then, which I can't say for more than a VERY few of my high school friends.

So needless to say, I was over at Jen's house a bit in the high school years. I really love her whole family...she has three sister and wonderful parents. I always had a joking, ridiculous flirting thing with her father, Mr. Evans. Disclaimer: TOTALLY in fun and joking, so that Adam or Mrs. Evan's don't want to beat me about the head and shoulders. I am a peach, I bruise. I could seriously injure myself getting out of my car or pouring a glass of milk.

One day my Mr. Evans happened to be wearing a belt buckle that had a big "E" on it and I jokingly asked him what that stood for, knowing full well it was for his last name. He said, exasperated "it is for ED, Heidi, sheesh!" Rolling his eyes at me, as his so often did.

That was it. He was and will always be...my Ed. It was our "thing". Jen still calls him Ed when talking to me..and it is 20 years ( GASP!) later.

Now, enter into the picture the HOMEWRECKER! Jen's sister Laura has a best friend that also "flirted" with MY ED. hmph! the nerve! And the Jen's sister HAD to get pregnant and have a baby shower. And the homewrecker, Sue jetted off to Virginia for the shower. And she got to see my ED. Here is a picture of her all over him. BLECH!

Look at her! She is SHAMELESS! The hussy.

So in the course of their visit, Jen finds out that Sue works at the same hospital I do...she is a nurse too. Hmmmmm....

So I finally tracked this chicky down at work last night and I told her that we really needed to met up and settle this, once and for all. It was so adorable that she thought she was my rival. Like she is any completion. PU-LEASE!

Things started out hostile:

But we talked it out and decided there is enough of Ed to share. And we send him our love. Blowing him kisses from way up north.

And for the record: Sue is awesome. She is hilarious. And she has EXCELLENT choice in men! ;-)

And! God bless Mrs. Evans for putting up with Ed and our shenanigans! She rocks!

Happy Birthday to us!

2008-04-10T13:08:00.004-04:00

So, today is my birthday. Yup. Big wow.

I am lucky enough to share my birthday with one of my best friends, Mary. I also share it with the family hippie, Howard...but that will not be germane to my post today. Though that is nice and easy for my entire extended family to remember the occasion. (this year however, pretty much all of my extended family is in Florida for my cousin's wedding on Saturday...which, let's face it is a MUCH bigger deal that some old hag's birthday)

But anyway, back to Mary. And let's just get it out now, she is older. Yes. She was born in the middle of the night, and me..4:30pm. So there, Mary. Take that!

Mary and I have been friends since high school. We spent our 18th birthday together, skipping school, eating our free breakfast at Denny's and getting our ears double pierced. Man, we were totally lame.

Over the years, we have become much better friends. She is a person I really trust. I feel like I can tell her anything and talk to her about how I feel and she will listen and even if she doesn't agree, she will respect me. And man, we can disagree. Mary, I am keeping my Thruway fast pass and I am using the self-checkout. It is called progress, not job stealing. UGH!

However, I can honestly say I have never been upset or mad at Mary. Not once. Our friendship is easy-going and natural. She and her husband JR are our first choice to go out with. We always have a great time together. No matter what we chose to do.

A few summers ago we decided to take the kids on weekly outings to keep them busy. That was an interesting mix of fun and painful. One outing was to Griffs Sculpture Park. That one was painful. Two strollers and mini mountain climbing were enough to kill me and Mary. We are no ummm...the outdoorsy types and the terrain was well....damn it we were climbing a frickin' mountain to see some damn metal sculptures. As my son and Mary's raced to the top of the "hill" they call down for us to HURRY UP. Mary yells "Noah, the fat people can't BREATH, so shut it!" If I was not out of breath before I was then, because I never laughed so hard in my life. Mary, there is no one else on this earth that I would rather have a heart attack and die on the side of a mountain with more than you, chica.

Mary is smart, beautiful, funny as hell and interesting and I wish she knew it. She drives me nuts with her lack of self-esteem, because I see her and I KNOW she rocks. Someday, maybe, I will say it to her enough so she realizes it and she can get me to shut up. I am proud and very happy to share my birthday with such a fabulous friend. It just gives us in excuse to go out together another night ( or two!)

Tonight we are headed out on the town with our men, last year we did a girl's only dinner. I know we will all have a good time. I know we will laugh until our faces hurt. And I know we are not climbing anything more than the two steps into the restaurant.

Mary, I love ya and I am grateful for you as my friend. But unlike our husbands wish..I am so not kissing you.

Happy Birthday, gorgeous! Oh, and to me too! ;-)

Once more, with feeling

2008-04-04T21:32:00.004-04:00

So our family has a flair for the dramatic, it is true. There is lots of singing made up songs, there is the occasional mock-beating of a child with the chanting "push your head into the couch, push your head into the couch", there is me acting all calm and then suddenly yelling to scare the crap out of a child and there is the big dramatic death scene too.

Often I splay out on the couch and when I am found by a child, I am laying there, my mouth open, eyes closed...raspy breaths. Of course I need dramatic saving...kisses, begging, shaking, "i love yous" over and over. Miraculously I am back to life, saved like Sleeping Beauty. Yup. Just like.

So we as I said, we play this game a lot. Or I do. But whatever.

Today I was in my bedroom, sitting in my computer chair and I heard Sammy coming around the corner. It was my chance. I close my eyes, let my head flop back and played dead.

Sammy looks at me calmly and says " I thought you only died on the couch" AND THEN HE WALKED AWAY!!!!!

Damn kids! You can't improvise with them for anything.

Love letter to a Dirtbag.

2008-04-04T11:30:00.000-04:00

In the midst of writing and venting, last count 18 in my "drafts", things happen that cause me to put those down and make me wanna write something that I am right in the middle of feeling, at that moment.

Today, it is a "love letter", if you will, to my kid. My oldest, Zach.

Of all of my kids, he is the most like me. I am sure that is why no one in THE ENTIRE WORLD can make me as mad as he can and no one can make me laugh harder than he can. All in the same day. Sometimes in the same hour.

Last night as I was leaving for the grocery store, he ran out to the car and asked if he could go too. Now, this is not some cosmic, rare event. It happens a lot. And although he won't every say it, he likes that alone time with me. That is not to say it is all mushy and sweet. He mocks me the whole time, he slaps me (mockingly of course),he puts me in a headlock and he is just a general,average, 16 year old ass. But I love it. It is us.

When I took him to New York city alone last May, he excitedly planned our road trip music, saying he was looking forward to the car trip there, more than anything. It was the first trip there for both of us. We got lost in Central Park together, we walked for miles, we ate funky Mediterranean food in the basement of restaurant, he endured seeing the play I had worked on (which was long and strange) but he smiled and elbowed me whenever my work appeared on the screen,in between the looks of "what it hell is going on NOW in this insane piece of theater??" We was mistaken for my brother....GO ME!!! WAAHOOO!

He is a kid that gets hurt so easily and tries to hide it. He is a kid that sees things that suck in this world and gets angry because things probably will never change. He hears a song, reads a poems, sees a movie and it moves him. He is lazy, he hates homework, he eats junk (OH. MY. GOD. He is JUST like me. my genetic material is polluting our earth) He has a great sense of humor ( okay, he has MY sense of humor, for the most part..so of course, I think it is great) He has a very quick wit...dare I say almost quicker than my own. He is one of the only people that can go toe to toe with me in reciting movie lines...much to the dismay of his father. He writes cathartic poems when he is stressed, just as I do. He is just, well, a good person. And he is just getting started.

And ya know, I didn't know how it was going to be for us. When I had him, I was in college and 18. Adam had gone back to college when Zach was 3 weeks old and was home only on most week-ends and holidays with us. I would be lying if I said it didn't suck. But I lucked out, of all of my kids, he was the best baby. Sleeping though the night early, never crying, and just in general...easy. Which I am forever grateful for, as I was a full time in Nursing school and coming home to be his mom. And I had my parents and my brothers to help me, and Adam all week-end, but really often, it was me and him. And as bad as it could be, in general, it was pretty frickin' cool. I spent so much time with just him, reading to him, talking with him, knowing him. I wouldn't change a day of it for the world.

And often, we struggle with that relationship dynamic. We did grow up together and we parent him in our own way. We were so young and had so much to learn. And he is brilliant and deep thinking and some of his ideas and opinions need to be considered and heard. So giving him that amount of credit and still kick his ass when he needs it is a fine balance. And oh, does he need the ass kicking, baby!

He is so many things I am, and just as many things that I am not.
In general, he is pretty downright phenomenal. (watch that go to his head and try to get out of doing the dishes. the dirtbag)

Under that sea dreaming

2008-03-29T14:46:00.002-04:00

Sammy slept in fairly late this morning. He has been in a bad habit for a while now of sleeping on the couch. Even if he starts in his bed, he finds his way there in the middle of the night.

So there he is, sleeping well past 10 on a Saturday morning in the middle of the living room. I snuggle next to him and gently try to wake him up.

"Sammy angel, are you gonna sleep all day?"

without opening his eyes, he says " Mama Jelly Fish, is that you?"

"yes, baby jelly fish"

"my grandma is a jelly fish and my grandpa was a crab"

I just let him go back to "Sammy world" cuz that is some high quality dreaming he has got going on there. Who am I to stop that full-on psychedelic mental rambling? I got to get me some of that...

1984. So not like the book said it would be.

2008-03-27T21:22:00.014-04:00

I have a pretty downright hilarious post coming about my last night at work. I will warn you ahead of time, it will contain a GREAT deal of swearing, but in my opinion that makes it all the better. It was a night that needed to have some colorful language. So stay tuned my people...it is in the works.

But right now, I am gonna answer a survey. I know, I know...but I actually like to read people's replies to surveys. But then I am a nut job. This one was posted my a friend of my kid's on myspace. But I will be damned if I am posting it over there as a "bulletin". Seems less-lame to post it here. If only a little.

Let's see how much you remember about 6th grade.

- Who was your best friend?
I had two: Sarah and Rosanne.

- What sport did you play?
hmmm, that would be exactly....NONE. You couple natural born klutz with a brittle bone disease, then you are just asking for trouble. Plus, truth be told. I am lazy and undisciplined. I was just telling Adam how I would be a terrible alcoholic or drug addict. I can't remember to do anything with any regularity. I would forget to take my drugs or drink. I don't even buy alcohol because I forget I have it. No discipline!!

- Did you buy your lunch?
We only had the option to buy pizza once a week. If my father remembered to give me money, then yes. You paid in the morning and you got a white chip for one slice and a blue chip for two. The school would then order a sheet pizza for the afternoon. This is the ONLY time I got pizza in my childhood. My kid are shocked to their VERY CORE to learn this. It is like it's own food group in our lives today.

Skip School?
On occasion. I was/am a bit of a drama queen. Shocking, I know. With my mom gone before I got up and my dad sleeping like the dead from working 3-11 and staying up past 3am ..it was a very easy thing to do. I may have taken advantage. Every once in a while. maybe.

Did you get suspended/expelled?
Heck no. Our principal was the scariest 4 foot tall nun you ever saw. I saw her as an adult and I still get a little queasy. No way was I getting that woman mad at me.

- What was your favorite class?
Either English,Social Studies or Religion. I am a nerd. I can't pick.

What was your schools name?
St. Aloysius Gonzaga

Who did you sit at lunch with?
There was a girl's table and a boy's table. Pretty much sat with the same girls for nine years or so. Exciting, I know! ;-)

- Who was your science teacher?
Mr. Christoper. A strange little man but decent teacher.

- Who was your English teacher?
Mr Daly, also my homeroom teacher. Quite unbalanced but also a good teacher. Got me hooked on books from a very young age, so I owe him quite a lot. Even if he did not bathe regularly and would sweat like a whore in church all year. He really challenged us to read things on a high school level. In 6th grade...that is no small feat.

- Who was your Social Studies teacher?
Mr. Goodwin. Prolly my favorite teacher. Ever. And that would include my mom, who was my teacher in Nursing School ( look, I am just being honest here) He was a great person in general and a really fabulous teacher. Encouraging and inspiring.

- Who was your math teacher?
Miss Christopher ( cousin to my science teacher) Very good teacher and I don't hold it against her that I hate math. She tried. My brain just doesn't "do" numbers. I have number dyslexia.

Describe your outfits in the 6th grade.
Best for me to show you. This is a picture from 5th grade actually, but you get the point. Left to right is: me, Sarah, Jenny and Rosanne. However, in 6th grade we were able to remover the jumper top of the uniform, cuz ya know, we got boobs that year. Some of us got them in 5th grade ( lucky me)

Did you prank call?
I don't think so. That was more of an early high school thing for me. Real Mature, I know. sigh.

Who did you like?
There was only 11 boys in my class for all those years that they all took a turn (save one or three) in my love sick eyes at some point. This may have been Jon's year for the majority. I was fickle and the object of my affections changed frequently.

- Was it your favorite year of elementary school?
Nah, I think 7th or 8th topped it. Then it was all downhil. High school sucked balls. ( sorry, but again being truthful here)

Do you still hangout with the same people that you did?
Can you believe, yes? I still talk to several (at least 7) of them, not bad from a class of 20. Rosanne and I are still best friends. Two of my classmates even got married, having been together since 7th grade and working on baby #13. That is NOT a typo. 13. thirteen. And all of them awesome and adorable. Sick, right? ;-)

Did you go to your 6th grade dance?
We are talking poor catholic school here. No dances. We had to make our own mischief and did we ever!

ahem.

How many kids were in your class?
21 at 8th grade graduation. Most of them I had known since kindergarten.

A look into me at age 11 or 12. Just a little de-stressing for tonight.

later gators!

Holy Saturday, Batman! We were busy!

2008-03-22T21:48:00.014-04:00

So my friend Mary has been hassling me that I never mention my husband on my blog. And looking back, yes, I have been remiss. I have a "hubs". His name is Adam. I even have pictures of him. See?

He puts up with my crap daily, thinks I am fantastic and beautiful ( his eyes are failing, true) and works harder than anyone I know ( except maybe my mother, but she is a MACHINE!)

So Mary, are you happy NOW?!?!? Sheesh.

Today was a busy one for us. We had birthday party for my two nephews, born on the same day..two years apart. My (step) mother-in-law happens to be in town from Florida because my sister-in-law had her baby on Monday. So we were also able to meet my new niece Madison and see Ma for the first time since Adam, Josh and I went to Florida last May. Adam's step brother and his family even came up for the week-end from Ohio to spend the holiday with us.
With all the grandkids together, it was a rare photo opportunity for Aunt Heidi. Those kids are totally used to my camera shoved in their face and they love me all the more or it. ;-)

Blows my mind that Sammy and Josh were actually smaller when they were born. Wouldn't a little baby make the perfect Christmas present? I should start hinting around now.
ahem

Sammy said "we don't have any sisters in this family. Or a dog" Good point there. hmmmm

The gaggle of Fraggles. OYE!

Big sister Emily and "her" new baby.

And how wrong is it that I kid is that much bigger than me?!?! Totally uncool, dude!

Sadly, we had to cut our partying short because we were needed at our church for the baptism of a family friend. Josh was asked to be a "shepherd" for our friend and my aunt was the god-mom. Also, our "family hippie" was the god-father. Yes, my family has a hippie. His name is Howard. He even shares my birthday. I think every family should have a hippie. Howard has been in my family before I was born. He was a friend of my aunt and we just kept him. He comes complete with hippie flashbacks and crazy anecdotes.

We stayed for a reception and then home to color eggs.

We are beat. Easter tomorrow. More pictures heading your way for sure!

smooches!
Happy Easter!

A trip to the "Easter Office" (lots of photos!!)

2008-03-21T16:30:00.000-04:00

Easter is upon us and being (still sorta) Catholic and Polish, it is the most important time of year for us. Myself, I only happen to be 50% Polish and my kids only 25%, but since it is the biggest part of their heritage I feel it is important to keep them interested in the traditions. They adore it.

One such tradition is heading to the Broadway Market. It is an indoor market that has been opened since 1888. Meat stands, produce, flowers, bakeries, a little something for everyone. My kids look forward to heading there every year. It located in, shall we say, not the best part of the city, but it is great to get there at least once a year. I actually had occasion to head down there twice this year. I met my parents there with the boys and yesterday I took my friend Mary and her son Noah there for their first visit.

As we parked and headed for the escalator that would take us down into the market, Sammy was so excited and yelled "THIS EASTER OFFICE IS NOW OPEN!" Over and over he kept saying how much he loved it there.

Sammy and my dad ( Mr. OMG, himself...One Man Gang) holding a horseradish root.

Sammy picking out his Pussywillows.

My oldest dork, Zach and my brother Rogie ( and yes, Rogie needs to shave cuz he looks homeless. UGH!)

J-Bob acting so cool, but he was LOVING it.

Sammy LOVED the Easter Bunny. It was hard to tear him away.

Chocolate!!!

Some Polish cooking delights, except no Golabki equals my mom's, so No Thanks!

OMG with Sammy and Josh

Zach, my mommy and Roge, my broham

Sammy picking out his painted egg this year with my mom.

That's right, baby!!

Josh's shirt says " Give me a Kiss!"

Babcia is grandma in Polish, pronounced "Bop-cha". My kids call my grandma babcia, although Sammy usually makes it ba-cha. Close enough.

Zach's shirt says "How are you?" or "What's going on"

On my 2nd outing to "da Broadway Market, der hey" it was just me, Mary, Josh and Noah, Mary's oldest. As it was Holy Thursday and closer to the holiday, it was MUCH more crowded but that is part of the fun.

The knuckleheads

Gotta have Pussywillows for Dingus Day. Buffalo has the proud distinction of the World's Largest Dingus Day celebration. Woman hit potential suitors with pussywillows and men squirt water guns back at the women. It is just a humorous holiday celebrated the day after Easter.

Yes! Chocolate covered Peeps! HELLO!!

MUST HAVE! A Malczewski's Butter Lamb. Nothing like it. It is a must on our Easter Table.

You know it! Although, in my life total I have been drunk like twice. So I guess I am not that loved. ;-)

So much to write about, I have a new niece, my step mother-in-law is here from Florida, my nephews birthdays are coming up, Josh competed in a problem solving tournament called Odyssey of the Mind, wheew...it has been a busy few weeks. I hope to get on the ball after Easter and get blogging. Many pictures and such to share.

Happy Easter or Wesołych Świąt Wielkanocnych!

smooches!

Beaten down

2008-03-15T12:10:00.000-04:00

So at first read it might look as though I am overjoyed to have the job I do. This is not true. I adore the people I work with everyday but in very many ways, my job sucks ass. Not all the time, mind you, but often and sometimes a VERY lot.

For example, you would think that there would come a point where I would have smelled EVERY smell possible in the universe because I have been doing this for quite some time. Not so. Almost every week or two I am shocked by a new olfactory assault. You would think there would be some finite co-mingling of proteins, and that I have smelled them all. But no. I am not ashamed to admit that often times I have had to bury my nose in a co-workers shirt to escape for several seconds. Dave never minds. ;-) And yes, my co-workers armpit in the middle of a 13 hour shift is like fresh mountain air, if that gives you any indication of the horror.

One winter I had a horrible sinusitis and after it resolved I found out that I had a case of anosmia or loss of my sense of smell. This lasted for almost 6 glorious months. Such a blessing at work! It was not until the summer, strangely driving into work, when I smelled the freshly cooked Cheerios from the General Mills factory that I knew my sense of smell had returned.

I will attempt to not be overly gory here, as this is not a blog specifically about my job and not only my fellow nurses read it. They understand. This is my job and I signed up for all the parts of it, no matter how distasteful. And the fact that I can talk about the worst parts of it and eat my dinner at the same time should tell you that I am broken. I can take it. Yes sir, may I please have another?

The last few days have been really crappy on my neck. I named my pain in my neck this week, she is "Mildred". She beat the crap out of me this week. Or I could have named it The Beast. The Beast has been with us for over a month and he is stronger than you can imagine for an octogenarian. All I can say, when helping to move him is "please, please stop fighting me. I don't wanna do this either, trust me, mister"

And the worst part? This week has found a few of us verbally abused, if you will, by patients' family members. Insane, irrational bullies. I abhor bullies. And I for one, do not give into their crap. In particular, one such bully was attempting to inch forward towards my friend, showing..I dunno...power? anger? I ended up stepping between the aggressor and my friend. I don't have problems with personal space. So go ahead, move closer buddy...we can dirty dance if you wanna...you are not gonna bully this little 5' chica.

Every patient deserves the best care we can provide and just because you yell and scream and can use big words like "malpractice"...you should not get more of my time or think that rules and such do not apply to you. You are not more important than my patient who is poor, can't talk and has no family spitting in my face.

I am of course speaking of a specific situation that occurred this week, that I really can't go into details about, however I can say that some people are douche bags and need a kick in the ass. This week at work had me face two situations that got me quite upset and disgruntled. I guess I need to be "gruntled" again. I need some long days off to let it roll off of me and return me to my norm.

So that is one reason the writing has been lacking. I am mentally tired. I have several things to write about...and I will after I am rejuvenated and less grumpy with my noble career. Knowing me...that could be in an hour. We'll see.

Day 3..Hitting the Bricks.

2008-03-09T10:30:00.014-04:00

Well, Rohit was still barfy and had to teach a class, so Josh and I set out to explore the area around our hotel. Seeing as we were only 12 blocks or so from Times Square, we decided to head there and see where the day took us.

So, my kid is a freak. He LOVES shopping. In fact, most of his "must-do" list was all about the stores he wanted to visit. Toys-r-Us, the Disney Store, Dylan's Candy Bar, Borders. Nutty kid. So I dragged him down 8th, through the masses and we did a little sight seeing.

After shopping and lunch, we decided to head to the Empire State building. It was a cold but incredibly clear day and I am very grateful we did it that day, as fog and rain rolled in the rest of the trip. There was no line and we zipped through security for the two elevator ride to take us to the 86th floor observatory. And no, we do want to purchase a fold out map of the area, or an audio tour in 12 languages. PU-Lease. They kill me, $18 to ride an elevator is not enough to steal from me...you gotta shove other stuff down my throat?? And then try to sell me another elevator ride to the 106th floor? I am surprised they didn't make up pay again to ride down. Don't get me wrong, it was incredible up there...but enough is enough. LORD!

Looking towards the Statue of Liberty

After all that walking, Josh and I headed back to our hotel to wait for Rohit. Originally the plan was to wait for him, order food in the hotel and just have a quiet night. As we were discussing where to order, Rohit asked if we wanted to head to Times Square and see what tickets were available at the half price ticket booth.

Me: Umm...it is 7:15, dude.

Rohit: So what? It is a 5 min cab ride.

Umm, okay. So we head out and end up snagging 50% off tickets for Hairspray at 7:38 for an 8pm show. So we haul ass the six blocks to the theater, pretty much dragging an exhausted Josh. It was a very fun show and I am so glad I let go of my planing, list-making self and just winged it. We all loved the show. I am a huge fan of Darlene Love and her voice is still amazing. I am so glad I was able to see her in person. Of course, Rohit and I are dorks and we were all about checking out the sets.

We then headed for a Chinese dive by our hotel to snag dinner. The hand written signs in the joint cracked me up.

Good to know that they are a full-service joint. CPR available. Most Excellent!

And yes, thank you for tip, Mr. Cow!

Day 2...Lady Liberty!

2008-02-29T17:29:00.018-05:00

Day two brought a harsh cold snap to NYC. Sunny, but damn cold. One look at the weather for the rest of the week and we decided to attempt to do any outdoor activities. We decided to take the ferry to the Statue of Liberty. After a VERY long line for security, we boarded the boat to Liberty Island. Rohit was gimping it, cuz he an old man and has "the gout"

One thing I wish I had pictures of was the interesting assortment of entertainers that were working the line for the ferry. First there was an African American gentleman wearing a rainbow wig and playing guitar. The most painful part of that was his attempting to get audience participation. Ouch. Next section of the line had a man playing steel drums, which is fine except he was playing TV theme songs. Mission Impossible on the steel drums. Ahhh, my life is complete. Lastly...not here is where it start to slack...was a Hispanic man signing along to a CD on a portable stereo. The song seemed sad and I wanted to belt out "Ay, ay, ay, ay, canta y no llores" which is "Sing, don't cry" in Spanish, but I held back.

Sadly, we didn't have enough time to make it to Ellis Island. I suppose it just gives us something to do next time.

We then made our way back into the city for a stop at Dylan's Candy Bar...which was at the top of Josh's list of things to do. Decked out for Easter, it was insanely expensive but very cool. There is NO way this Polack is buying Fireballs and Lemonheads for $10.99/lb. Even with a 50% off coupon, and I do love my coupons. We did buy 4 INCREDIBLE cupcakes, that we all cut up and shared over the next few days.

With our cupcakes to go, we traveled to a Mexican place that is a favorite of mine and Rohit's. By this point Josh was dragging. We made it back to the hotel to fall into a coma for the night, dreaming of decadent cupcakes.

You lika DVDs??

2008-02-26T18:52:00.020-05:00

Onward into our NYC adventures! Our first full day found us at ABC studios and sneaking in some pictures of Josh on the People's Court set. Since the crew was all around we could not take pictures the way I would have liked but Rohit got a few shots in for me on his iPhone. God bless technology!

And then onward to Chinatown. Home of fish markets and whispers of bootleg movies. Since bootlegs are illegal..they are not out in the open to buy, but as you walk through the crowds you hear " you lika DVD movie??" and a person is willing to wisk you away to a dark corner to show you what they are offering. Me??? Noooooo..nope, never...uh uh. Okay..but the ones I bought sucked. Okay? Happy??

Crappy, cheap fans and out-dated Chinese New Year stuff, anyone??

Rohit had been limping along all day with us, I think suffering from some food poisoning from the Thai resturant the night before. I felt badly dragging him in and out of cabs and up and down Chinatown all day...he was a real tropper.

Chinatown is starting to encroach Little Italy. They make for interesting bed fellows. We ate in Little Italy. Well, Josh and I did..Rohit spent most of it in the bathroom. Classy.

I am not sure you are suppose to eat a meatball the size of your head.

My kid and my ailing Gay.

I know, I know...way too sexy a picture. I don't know what I was thinking.

Rohit stopped into see a Chinese herbalist who gave him some herbs to cure puking and such. And me with my deaf ears had to translate between the Chinese man and the Indian. Talking every day to doctors from every land has helped me hone that skill. And as typically happens, the man thought we were a family. Yeah that olive skinned Indian made the whitest kid in America! Please now. Not only does that give me the heebee geebees but honestly that is hilarious!

We got back to the hotel to settle in for the night, let Rohit go home to rest ( or puke) and Josh and I just enjoyed our king size bed before collapsing for the next 9 hours. Isn't my kid flippin' adorable??

I'll take State Capitals for $1000 please, Alex.

2008-02-26T10:47:00.003-05:00

So my five-year old is very strange at times and so completely random. This morning we are watching the Sesame Street movie " Follow that Bird" At one point he looks at me and says " Hey mom, I have a question"

"Okay, shoot, Sammy" And I am thinking it will be a question about the movie. Silly me.

"What is the capital of South Dakota?"

"I'm sorry. What, Sammy?"

"Mom, what is the capital of South Dakota. Come on. This isn't hard"

"Ummm...I dunno...Bismark?"

"WRONG ANSWER!! Pierre! Man, you got it WRONG!"

There you go. A lesson in geography from a five year old. I am deeply shamed. I will never be on Jeopardy now. And Alex is such a Canadian hunk.

There will now be a return to writing about my NYC adventures. Thank you!

NYC adventures, or a slow moving train.

2008-02-24T22:18:00.008-05:00

So in an attempt to remember all we did and saw in NYC, I will chronicle it here, as best I can.

So let's see... I used Priceline to get a fabulous deal on a hotel room. A very nice Holiday Inn Express, with free hot breakfast and free ( though often crummy) internet. Great location. Very good service. We decided to take the train, which is about a 8-9 hour ride each way. I upgraded us to "Viewliner" sleeper room. I knew I was working the night before we left so I thought it would be a good idea to be able to sleep for a few hours in private. The night before I left, work was pretty boring. I had one patient and the open "code bed" I was sure to get all my work done quickly. Now, typically I am a talker and terrible at charting. I get my patient care done, but I hate writing out my charts. B-O-R-I-N-G. But Saturday night I was on the ball. I made sure my mother was going to be out on time too. We drove in together. I even sent the supervisor up to make sure she was getting her rounds done on time. If my co-workers saw her in the hallway, she would say "Tell Heidi I am done with midnight rounds before anyone else started them! I will be out on time!" My mother is one fabulous nurse and due to her being quite conscientious and sensitive, she often gets behind due to being pulled into impromptu therapy sessions and the like. And, like me, she knows EVERYONE, so typically she finds a connection with her patients and they chat her ear off all night. I was having NONE of that jazz. I work until 7 or 7:30am and my train left at 10am. My mother was ( GASP!) was even out early at 7 am! Miracle of Miracles!! Wahhooo!!

So what happens?? Yup. A code blue at 5:35. Fabulous. I was panicking. The patient didn't come down until after 6:30, when day shift started. And of course, my friends Sue and Lisa made sure they jumped in and I was out on time. Of course, my train was late. We didn't leave until close to 11. By that time I had been up for 27 hours. I was a hurting dog. Josh was he usual chatty self and I had a HUGE Tim Horton's coffee. Let me just say, I never drink coffee. And I tasted it all day as my body's punishment to me for attempting it. I felt badly, but I needed to tell Josh to leave me alone until lunch, you know, a whole whopping 2 hours of sleep later.

The ride was quite pleasant and much quieter than I would have thought. Our car was the size of a decent closet. Private, temperature controlled by us, ample beverages for us nearby and meals included. As in my lot in life, I was seated with a yappy man for lunch. Why does everyone feel the need to talk to me and tell me their life philosophy? I swear, I have that "please talk to me" face. I wanted to say "dude. I have had 2 hours of clickety-clack sleep for the last 2 days. I can actually feel my brain rubbing inside of my skull. Please don't tell me how to best learn the guitar." But I didn't. I listened. I asked questions. I looked interested. I ate fast.

Actually, even with leaving late, stopping in Rochester for fuel and changing engines( from Diesel to electric) in Albany, we got to NYC a bit early. For those of you who have not traveled by train, let me tell you how much easier it is...wow. No security to go through, quick baggage checking, you can take anything you want on board. It takes a bit longer, but Josh and I actually really enjoyed it. Our car had it's our attendant for the trip. That was a nice touch too. She made sure we had drinks, pillows, answered all our questions, let us know where we were about 30 mins outside NYC and was just generally helpful and pleasant. I even dashed off a note to Amtrak about her.

In general though, the trip there was a blur as I was so incredibly exhausted, but chatty Josh-man kept me upright and conscious.

After gathering our luggage and such, my friend Rohit met us at Penn station. We grabbed a cab ( Josh's first!)

Our hotel was only about 4 blocks from Penn station but with the luggage and such we decided to cab it would be best and since it was nighttime, we asked the driver to take us the long way...through Times Square. Josh was adorable and couldn't wait to be let loose there to shop and see the lights. However for both of us, it was an early night, dinner at a great Thai place and off to bed. Visions of Times Square in Josh's head.

:-)

do not adjust your links...

2008-02-22T10:52:00.004-05:00

I am once again slacking on the blog thing. And I don't want a cyber-spanking from Robin! ;-) My 11 yr-old Josh and I are still in NYC and will be heading home late tomorrow. We are doing to many things, walking so much and having such a good time, that by the time we get to the room we are beat and we sleep like rocks. Tonight is the third show in our Broadway viewing this trip. We saw Hairspray on Wed, Young Frankenstein last night and Mary Poppins tonight. Not to mention touring the Empire State building, The Natural History Museum, Times Square, Chinatown, the Statue of Liberty and I am sure a few other things I am leaving out.

I promise a detailed report and pictures. The internet connection, though free, is flaky at best here. Uploading of photos is not an option here. And really what is a travel post without good travel shots? Right?

I will return, on Sunday most likely with photos and the tales of Josh's first time in the City that Never Sleeps.

Just hang in there and don't abandon me!! I will be back to an irregular blogging schedule VERY soon!

Brought to you by Gillette

2008-02-16T15:46:00.005-05:00

"Mommy, did you know that animals have special parts of their body to protect them?"

"I do know that, Sammy. Like frogs that have poison on their skin or porcupines with their sharp quills"

"Just like you, mommy. You have "spikies" all up and down your legs to protect you!"

Nice. Thanks. Self protection is a personal mission. I do a fabulous job of it in the winter.

When "I will punch you in the face" really means "I love you, mom"

2008-02-12T20:16:00.000-05:00

Today was a busy one on the appointment calendar. All three boys had dentist visits today. Josh began his long road with orthodontal torture and Zach needs all 4 wisdom teeth out. I was highly stressed about taking Sammy. He has the reputation of being difficult and INCREDIBLY stubborn, but he was a rock star. He followed every instruction perfectly. The hygienist just loved him. His biggest problem with the experience was not talking long enough for them to clean his teeth. I wonder where he gets that trait? Hmmmm... Oddly, he only began to cry when we had to leave. A weird thing for the office staff to hear a kid screaming " don't take me! I wanna stay here!" He is a strange ranger.

In the midst of all of our travels today, it began to snow. It does that in Buffalo. I think there was some "Winter Storm Warning" thing, but really, I don't pay much attention to that kinda stuff. You live here, you have things to get done, you learn to drive in it and deal. I think this is my 18th winter of driving in this crap, and it still blows every time. It took us quite a while to make out stop at the vision center. The snow is steadily falling. By our last stop it was quite the storm. After we loaded the car up and even though we had been in the store only 2o mins, the car was completely covered. I got the brush out to clean off the car when Zach returned from returning the cart and told me he would finish cleaning off the car.

"Nah, Zach, I got it. Get in the car"

"Mom, if you don't give me that brush I am gonna punch you in the face!"

That made me smile. Cuz he loves me. He takes care of me. Maybe we don't talk to each other like every other household, but we do understand each other.

We took our time and got home safely. My children are praying for a snow day, with Josh flushing ice cubes down the toilet for the kind favor of the SNOW DAY gods. What moron told my kid this insanity?

I kinda hope they have off too. I love when they are home with me, so much I could punch them in the face. All of them.

Slackin'

2008-02-09T20:58:00.000-05:00

So my kid says today "Um, mom, you are totally slacking on the blog thing, huh?"
But this one is gonna be boring...

sigh...yes, yes I am. I have slept an unusual amount of sleep for me. I am a chronic insomniac, since my early teens or so. Typically I get about 4 hours of sleep a day. Of course working nights doesn't help that either, but I actually think it helps me deal with that type of schedule a bit better as well. So I go for weeks like that, sleeping only 3-5 hours and then I get a "catch-up" day or two. In those days I can't get enough sleep. the last two days have been like that for me. Tonight I work night again and no doubt I will go back to my "normal" non-sleeping schedule.

I did get some of my trip planned this week. Josh and are are heading to New York City for President's week break. Josh's list of must-dos is growing every day. We are taking the train, a first for both of us. We will even have our own room on the train, which is good as I am working Saturday night, getting off work at 7:30am and catching a 10am train. I can sleep half way to the Big Apple. I used Priceline for the first time also and got a good deal in a hotel for the week. Josh is really looking forward to this trip, just the two of us.

I only wish it was a warmer time of year, so Josh and I could get lost in Central Park like Zach and I did our first trip there together. Good times. When Zach and I called for help to my gay's assistant..she told me to head south. Did she think I was holding a freakin' compass?? I was a girl scout for a minute thousands of years ago and I know I never used a compass. I am not an outdoor-sy girl. I like room service and 350+ thread count sheets. I have no use for trailblazing.

And yes, I have a gay. His name is Rohit. He an Indian...with a dot a feather. He is currently living and working in NYC. I will be using him as my personal tour guide for the trip. Josh wants to actually do touristy things, whereas Zach was more of a "get the experience of just being in New York" kinda guy.

We are planning a trip to the Empire State building, the Museum of Natural History, Chinatown, Time Square, catching a show, Ellis Island, the Aquarium, eating funky foods and walking until we collapse. Since I will have very little sleep on the day of our arrival, I am worried about being crabby. It is a VERY rare event but VERY possible when you mix travel and sleeping on a train with an 11 year old. So the night of our arrival we will keep it low key, getting dinner and just showing Josh a bit of the city. The next day...we get on with the action.

The only thing I am worried about is leaving Sammy home. He is quite attached to me right now and when I leave for work he has been asking "Mommy, will I ever see you again??" A week away might be a bit much for the little man. I am hoping it goes smoothly for Adam. Sammy Satan can be make for a stressful week. I will hafta make it up to all of them when I get back.

Off to think about getting ready for work. Only two more days to put in before Josh and I are off...yikes, so much to do and so little time. My buddies are on tonight which makes the day (night) that much better.

Like freakin' Gulliver in Lilliput

2008-02-05T21:23:00.001-05:00

So I am having this affair with my heating pad. I do have one often actually, due to a torn and will-never-heal tendon tear at my neck-shoulder connection. Lifting 400+ lb people day in and day out will do that to you. My father once asked me "don't you have orderlies?" Yes, and I wear a white dress every day and I am addressed as Nurse Heidi. Hello! This is not Marcus Wellby, pops. There is me and my fellow nurses. And people need to be turned, pulled up, picked up off the floor, walked, wrestled and tied down. These are facts. My floor happens to be luckier than most , we have several men that work with us. Big strong men, who are almost as strong as some of us girls.

But todays heating pad love fest is not because of work, like you would think. Nope, mine has to be more strange. Last night, it was late and I shut down the house. While waking to my bedroom I tripped and fell over a pirate ship and in the fall I reached out to brace myself and got a castle in the gut. Thankfully "Old West Town" playset was in the basement, than I would have hit my head on and been in a coma staring Clint Eastwood and John Wayne. Hardly glamorous. I am a klutz, this much is true, but I should be safe from the attack of the little people in my own living room. Damn kids. Damn me for not picking up their crap, I guess.

So I am broken and took enough Mortin to numb me. If I start to puke blood, you will know why. Lovely thought that. I have to heal myself up for work tomorrow. There is sure to be at least one trip to radiology in my near future. I spend quite a lot of my time in CAT scan. Our patients in the ICU need to be taken in their bed with a nurse or two, a cardiac monitor and quite often with one of us manually breathing for then with an ambu bag until we can get then back to the ventilator. It takes more time to make the strenuous journey than it does to do the CAT scan.

I am glad to be getting back to nights for a bit. There is just too....much during the day. Too many people touching my charts, too many people in and out of my rooms. I am a ICU nurse, we have power issues. Some of us keep it in better than others. Some of us are just insane. Some of us are medicated. We like to be in control of the patients and anything involving them. It is after all my license. Scary to think that with one wrong programing of an IV pump or one little sign of danger missed, and it can be fatal for my patient. It has happened to many good nurses. That little bit of fear is a good thing though, it makes you think a bit harder and not be cavalier about the care we give.

And I am glad to get back with the co-workers I am so fond of. One of my friends Sue said she tells her family " I am going to work to be with my REAL friends" True enough. I feel the same way. Everybody now...

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

Imagine this chick saving your life. Scary! All 5 feet of her! She might even sing in your room, if you are lucky!

Well, I taught them to be honest

2008-02-04T19:07:00.000-05:00

"Sammy do you love me?"

"Mommy,you are the one I love most in the whole world"

"Do you love Daddy too?"

"Sure I do, but you are the one I love most"

"Okay, but don't say that to Daddy, because it will hurt his feelings"

"Ummm, I think he already knows. I told him yesterday.Or maybe last week"

Mish, Mosh.

2008-02-04T00:41:00.000-05:00

Catching up is hard to do. I never quite get there. Such is life of an eternal procrastinator. Then you throw work in there...the night shift no less and you get a weird amount of sleep ( read: NONE) and another day of "stuff" to do.

Ah, please note my new blog header, if you would. All digital "doo-dads" used were created by the UBER-talented digital Godess Mo Jackson. Thanks so much for those of you who already noticed! ( Robin and Jen...thanks bunches!)

Work last night was decent. Again we are at full census of patients, but oddly with the full amount of staff. I dunno how that snafu happened. I was saddened to hear that one of my good friends and one outstanding nurse, Donna, will be leaving us in two weeks for another job that fits with her growing family's life. We will all miss her terribly. I hope she finds a place that appreciates how wonderful she is and one where she will be happy.

One of the funnier things that happened last night, was my patient, a gentleman in quite a lot of pain due to several fractures awoke in the middle of the night a bit confused. I am sure is was due the combination of IV pain killers I was giving him and the strange room he found himself in at 2am. He attempted to get out of bed alone,which would have been bad with all the wiring he was attached to, and my friend Lisa and I found him dangling his legs over the side rails after his bed alarm sounded. He very easily re-oriented and we got him back into bed and situated. He looked at my friend Lisa and said "are you watching the dogs? Do you like dogs?" She looked at me in a way that says "this man is still confused"

"ummm...what dogs, honey?" she asked.

"the ones on the tv right now." As he pointed to the Animal Planet dog show being replayed above our heads on his TV.

Even the patient had to laugh. "You thought I was loopy, right?"

That little guy cracked me up.

Other pieces of this and that...

I watched the movie Waitress the other morning and I highly recommend it. I will not give away too many details about it, but I will say that I watched the end, where she is handed her baby for the first time...twice. MOST EXCELLENT.

I also re-watched The Patriot. I think I forgot how brutal and violent that movie was..sheesh. It made me have a nightmare. But another outstanding movie. I do know I will miss Heath Ledger. I always liked him and the movies he chose to work on. That movie makes me cry at several points EVERY TIME. I am a wussy girl. I embrace this. Interesting fact, Harrison Ford was offered the role that Mel Gibson played in the movie, but he turned it down.
Side note: how much would it have sucked to be the guy who played the fife in the battles. it is lame FIFE and you are gonna get killed, you have NO gun. At least the guy with the flag didn't have to remember music and keep time. War is dumb. Especially if you are a fife player.

Eh, so that is a bit for now, I feel myself slipping into the insomnia state again. Blech. I must try and force a little sleep on myself. I wish one day, that I will not think so much about sleeping or my lack thereof. It is a terrible thing to suffer something that comes to easily to so may other people. But I have NEVER been a good sleeper. Just how it goes. It could ALWAYS be worse. Right?

Of course right.

A girl named Garden.

2008-02-01T17:58:00.000-05:00

So in the dreary and dismal land of winter I knew my youngest child need to be out of the house more then I am allowing him. I freely admit I am a winter hermit, staying indoors as much as possible until it is at least 60 degrees outside, but I don't mean to force my children to the same fate. I have noticed that the times I do take him out of the house he blinks at the sun like a naked mole rat. Being that we are of Eastern European decent his skin is pasty to begin with, so it looks like I am forcing that "poor little albino boy" on a road trip.

I have also noted that Sammy is getting weird about being out of the house for longer than 15 mins. Last week at the grocery store he kept asking to go home. "we have been out long enough. My house is so nice.We need to go back to my home" I am very happy he is comfortable and content at home, but I don't want him to go all "weird shut in" on me.

So, I arranged a movie date with one of my best friends, Mary and her 4 year-old daughter Eden. It was a good excuse for us to get out and good for the kids too. They played very well together. Sammy is in NO way shy and as soon as Eden warmed up to him, they were fast friends. Sammy even tried on her high heel dress up shoes and was quite stylish.

So yes, even though it was from the house to a dark movie theater, we still got out. I would like to tell you that we saw a wonderful movie, but alas, it was Alvin and the Chipmunks. Jason Lee and David Cross should be ashamed of themselves. I enjoy both of these actors but this movie was quite LAME. The kids seemed to enjoy it well enough and we did see some decent previews. Those are what the movies are all about after all. And Mary and I ( as always) had a good time together.

All the way home Sammy told me "what a very nice girl with very good manners" his new playmate was. " I had so much fun with that girl"

"But Sammy, what is that little girl's name?"

"ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....it is a beautiful name, mom. Her name is Garden."

"Close baby, her name is Eden"

" Well, I knew it was beautiful, didn't I?"

Yes, yes you did, baby. Maybe some of that Sunday school is paying off. Let's hope. I hear exorcisms are expensive.

Save the drama for...oh wait...

2008-02-01T00:22:00.000-05:00

Short-ish post today. I will have knock a better one out tomorrow. It is on my un-ending and eternal "to-do" list.

Today Josh came up to me and said "Mom, there is no amount of physiological counseling that will ever let me get over the horror of cleaning out the cat litter box"

Nice try. Tell Oprah I said "What's up,woman"

Casino Cancer

2008-01-29T19:34:00.001-05:00

So sometimes my father can be...how do I put this? An asshole. Yes. That covers it. Right before Christmas we found out that my father most likely had gall bladder cancer. VERY rare. And being that overall, he is not a particularly healthy specimen, my mother and I, both nurses for quite some time, worried what this meant. Surgery would be very hard on his already stressed heart.

So they began the journey of a 2nd opinion. We have one of the the top 3 cancer centers in America right here in our home town. My father had a biopsy done last Thursday, with results expected today. So my father calls me up to say:

"Well, I have three weeks to live"

"I'm sorry what??" as the blood drains from my whole entire body. Now, part of me assumed he was joking, as I have been raised by this man. And I do not need to say here that I am a complete and total "daddy's girl" and all that nonsense. But it is true.

"yeah, so meet me and mom at Olive Garden for lunch and your mom says to celebrate the good news the two of you are going to the casino tonight."

"you do know dad, that you are such an asshole sometimes"

"yup. A lot of the time. Met us there in 25 minutes"

So my dad does not have cancer, but a very inflamed, infected gall bladder. Antibiotics and close monitoring for now. Excellent news of the day.

At lunch he started to cough. I asked if he was going to be alright, because he told me he had three weeks to live, not that he was gonna die over breadsticks at Olive Garden.

Today happens to also be my mom's 60th birthday and we (read:she) had been planning a casino trip for the last few weeks, calling me every few days to make sure our plans were still solid. She says at lunch " So the good news is that I have off tomorrow, so we can stay later"

"Yeah, not that I might not die of cancer. That she can stay longer at the casino. Wonderful"

Ahh! Theirs is a marriage most people only have nightmares about.

In the trenches

2008-01-28T22:59:00.000-05:00

So I have this wild hair up my butt to finish writing something about the people I work with most often. One of my hobbies is to do digital scrapbooking, or digital design ( if I wanna sound more important, I suppose) For some reason the layout designing is proving harder than I would like. Tonight, I think I got the written piece done. I present that written bit for y'all. I am hoping the rest with fall into place at some point:

To call any of us "angels of mercy" would be quite the misnomer. We
joke that we are all going to Hell one day, fact is, some nights we
feel like we are already there. But we decided, we are at least, going
together. It is being together that gets us through the worse nights
and situations that are just staggering. We work the night shift
together month after month, year after year. And I wouldn't have it
any other way.

I have spent as many holidays with them as I have with my family. I
am sure they have seen me cry more than almost anyone else in the
world and they can make me laugh harder than I ever thought
possible.They know more about me, my character, my life, than I am
sure they want. We have spent time caring for people and doing
things that you can't begin to fathom, unless you are a nurse too.

There are the days when Dave has brushed my car off of snow, because he knows I am tired/cranky and he got to the parking lot first. Days that Linda comes and kisses me on the top of me and told me she was so happy to see me. Days that Karen heard me cough once and ran off to force a concoction of Airborne and vitamin C down my throat with a hot tea chaser.Days Laurie and I drive home together just so we can stop for breakfast and to decompress from the night,spending a few hours just being friends,and questioning if some of the insanity of the night really happened. Days Molly let me lay my head on her shoulder and said " you don't even need to say it, baby. I understand" Days that Barb told me a story that made me laugh so hard I hit my head on the desk and didn't even care. I am sure I am brain damaged from it and from the lack of oxygen, as well.

I know them so well and feel good that they know me the same way.
When we are stressed in our personal lives, coming to work is the
often the relief. Molly calls it "paid group therapy". Indeed. It is
a piece of my life I need so much and have a hard time explaining it
to anyone outside of "us"

I worry about them. They worry about me. I love them. They love me.
They are not the people I work with, they are the people that share
my life. I can't imagine not having all of them around me. They are
irreverent, intelligent, caring, hilarious, friendly, aggravating,
strong, sensitive, sometimes moody( even you, big guy), sometimes annoying,quite often exhausted and all the time incredible.

bottom row (left to right) Laurie, Barb, Linda and Dave
Back row: ( left to right) Karen, Molly and me

Torture with cuddling.

2008-01-27T18:22:00.000-05:00

So my son Josh, who is 11, and I are suppose to be doing a little bonding, "date night" this week. Of course his choice is an action movie, loads of popcorn and candy. So tonight I look at the show times and decide we can make the 7:15 show. But I am not feeling entirely like heading out on this cold night. I tend to be a winter hermit. Living in Buffalo...that is a LONG time to be indoors.I am a delicate peach. I like the indoors. And if I had to go out and brush off my car of snow...it would be all over, even before it began.

Anyway, in an attempt to put off the trip I asked Josh if he would like my father to join us and then we would go out tomorrow. He winced and told me the he "kinda" wanted it to be just me and him. He is one to want quite a bit of alone time with me(don't they all!). I took him on a solo trip to Disney World in May and I am taking him to see New York City for the first time in February.

"Oh good! I am so glad you said that, Josh! We can snuggle and cuddle during the whole movie" and to demonstrate my point I gave him several sloppy kisses and threw him onto my bed.

"uhhhh, maybe we should wait to take Gramps then" as he tried ( unsuccessfully to wriggle away from me)

"I know, I wouldn't wanna kill you with all the cuddling"

"man, that would suck! I think that would be the worst way to die!"

Yes, worse than being set on fire or drowning. Indeed.

So, with my promise to behave and not molest him with my mom-like ways, we headed out to see National Treasure: Book of Secrets. I could see that look that told me he really wanted to go tonight. Pin me down, so I couldn't postpone our night out.

I gotta say, the movie was pretty interesting. Enough like the first one but different twists and an interesting plot. And BONUS: I got to drool over my man, Ed Harris for 2 hours. Always my time well spent. For me that is one old dude...but umm....I am sure I could make him feel young again. *wink* I know Adam is LOVING reading that part. He loves to remind me when my man Ed plays a "bad guy" I guess it makes him feel better. Whatever. I love the man within, not the character. So there, Adam. And I don't care that he was a Nazi in Enemy at the Gates!

Sammy needs a passport.

2008-01-25T12:23:00.000-05:00

Last night Sammy told me he wants to go to Indonesia to see a Komodo Dragon. Now, he is five and I am just shocked that he even knows that there is a place called Indonesia. I know that he can't find it on a map or anything,but it impressed me nonetheless. I am quite sure I didn't know that country existed until I was in my teens or early 20s.

I told Sammy in the spring we would take a trip to the Toronto zoo to see these vile, huge lizards.

He just looked at me. "Mom, Toronto? a zoo? I think you are just being lazy"

Crazy stuff I hear....or don't.

2008-01-23T22:29:00.000-05:00

So, okay...I am pretty much deaf without my hearing aids. I can't believe I went as long as I did without them. I first noticed a decline in my hearing when I was 23 and pregnant with Joshua, but some of my friends will tell you it goes much farther back. It happened slowly and I hid it very well, even Adam was unaware of how incredibly bad it had gotten. I am a FABULOUS lip reader, which is a very useful skill in the ICU where I work, as many of our patients can't talk because they are intubated ( on a ventilator) but they can mouth words to make their needs known.

I have a genetic bone disease called Osteogenesis imperfecta. Basically it is "brittle bone" disease. It makes for frequent fractures, crappy joints and teeth, the whites of my eyes are blue and I started going deaf in my 20's. I broke my first bone ( my leg) when I was 9 months old, I was learning to walk. My family has adapted to this disease for quite some time...my great-grandfather, my grandfather, my father, my uncle, and one of my brothers has it along with myself...and of course...Sammy Satan! We live just fine with it, there are far worse things to be afflicted with, in my opinion. We just live our lives, occasionally with a cast or two...maybe a nice ACE bandage, if we are lucky.

Anyway, this "fun" disease causes me to have otosclerosis: Bone conduction hearing loss, like Gill Grisson on CSI, Frankie Valli ( that reference is for you, Dad) and Beethoven. Ah and I should not forget...Rush Hudson Limbaugh Jr., ain't that precious! If only he had gone mute too. Anyway...

My hearing loss had gotten worse of the last few years and for whatever reason (pride, fear, stubbornness or all of the above) I didn't do anything about it. Now think about this..I am a nurse in the ICU. Not good. And it became more and more frustrating for me and I am SURE for the people who talked to me, not to mention potentially dangerous for my patients. I work with the same crew of nurse on a regular basis and they are a few of the best people in the world, and they covered for me or helped me the best they could. Most likely too much. I started to hate going to work (NOT like me) and I started to withdraw from social situations and I would "hide" in my patients rooms all night to avoid having to talk to anyone(VERY, VERY,VERY unlike me). Finally three of my best friends took me aside and told me they noticed a personality change in me and they were worried, they missed the "old" me. That next week at Christmas, I was sitting at a table with all of my family. They were talking and laughing...I was so lost, I was not a part of any of it. I knew I had to get a frickin' grip, suck it up and do something about it.

The next day I scheduled a hearing test. I had to call on my cell phone, as it has a higher volume level than my house phone. The only way I knew it was my appointment time? I read the guys lips as he as calling my name. sigh. After my test, Mark, my audiologist, asked if I had gotten though school without help. Actually, Mark, I went to college and had a 4.0. Thanks. After I explained why this was happening, we set out to fix me.

So $3000 later, I can hear. It doesn't "cure" me per say, but ask anyone around me and they will tell you the difference is amazing. I had not heard my car start in over a year. My teenager is a mumbler, like so many kids his age...I bet I didn't hear a thing that kid said to me in over a year too. Not hearing sux.

Helen Keller once wrote: Blindness cuts us off from things, but deafness cuts us off from people. Too true. Adam is going to roll his eyes at that quote, cuz I used it often to explain how frustrated I was with all of this crap. I got it out in writing, babe...I will stop now. 'Kay? ;)

So just because I have hearing aids, doesn't mean I hear everything. I miss lots of stuff, but it is incredibly better. This week, however, after having head congestion..and I am sure in need of a change in my hearing aid settings, I am hearing or not hearing some interesting things.

Tonight I am sitting on the couch, flipping through random channels and Adam is on the laptop working. I hear him ask Zach for something and I thought it was for a pair of headphones.

"Is the TV too loud for you?? I can turn it down..or off. I don't need to watch it"

He tells me it is fine, not bothering him at all.

"well, why do you need headphones?? It must me too loud, I can just watch it with closed captioning"

He looks at me blankly.

"you can just tell me, really"

"Heidi, I asked Zach for my ice water from the kitchen"

The two of them, Zach and Adam, just shake their heads at me. They are soooooo used to it by now. It almost seems normal. At least for this house.

Liquid Brains

2008-01-19T21:36:00.000-05:00

Slacker. On the blog front anyway. I worked a 13 hour day shift yesterday that felt like it was 40 hours long. I think when you start the day at 6am with an icy blast to the face and end it feeling like your brains are oozing of of your ear, it just might be too much to write anything. Last night I wanted to come home and drink my dinner of iced tea and vodka with straw. I didn't. We didn't have any vodka. *sigh*

It was just the ridiculous in and out of patients that was exhausting. It seems the my unit is where the beds never seem to get cold. As soon as we move a patient out, there are 4 more waiting for it in the ER or other part of the building. I had to go to CAT scan with one of my patients for an hour, which was not fun for him or me. I received a transfer from another ICU mid-shift. There was a televised announcement that morning about the closing of our hospital, which set the mood very warmly for the day. Top that off with out secretary being particularly evil and deciding she was not going to answer the constant ringing of the phone...you have the recipe for maximum nurse brain oozing.

I have been filp-flopping day to night shift for some time now and I really enjoy different elements of each shift. I love my co-workers on each shift. Honestly, I find it hard to pick one over the other, but day shift does drive up the insanity level a bit. Even though I am thankful every day that I finally got my hearing aids, day shift makes me wanna turn them off and hide in my patients rooms. There are entirely too many people of all types touching my charts, writing orders, asking me questions, and just generally annoying me. I suppose I should work on that attitude. Maybe it will be my belated New Years resolution. I will add it to the already broken "curb my swearing" and "don't let Sammy just eat a bag of chocolate chip cookies for lunch, just because he cries" I am work in progress.

To quote Buffy ( or really my dream lover Joss Whedon)

I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.

Why should I cry for you?

2008-01-16T22:03:00.000-05:00

For some reason or another I have been thinking about my friend Bethany very often lately. Bethany died in the summer of 1996, when she was only 22 years old. She had lymphoma.

That summer was a horrible one for me, one of the worst. I was working full time on a terrible medical-surgical floor that was as close to being hell on earth as one can imagine. And I can imagine a lot. I was working three 13-hour shifts a week, often back to back due to babysitting issues with Zach, then only 4. I would work 6 pm until about 8 or 9 every morning, after having a very heavy 11 patient assignment and still being a relatively new nurse. I would sleep until about 1:30 pm when my dad dropped Zach back home to me on his way to work ...so that was about 4 or 5 hours of sleep a "night". I was 6 or 7 months pregnant with Josh. I was getting sicker with him, developing high blood pressure which would put me out of work early...almost 2 months before he was born. That July my 16 year-old cousin Lisa, was in a tragic and stupid accident that took her life. My extended family would never be the same. I was only 23 and I felt so much older.

So one morning in August, I was reading the obituaries as I always do, either being morbid or because I often knew patients or their family members who were featured. I scanned the named quickly and my heart sank. I sat on my bed and read it over and over. It couldn't be. It isn't. There was no way. And then I started to cry and I didn't stop until Adam got home from work.

She had been sick all through college. I never knew. She thought I had enough stress with work,having a child so young, buying a house...she didn't want her friends to be upset or worried about her. And, as it happens with friends, you fall away from each other when you go to college. I had seen her the New Years prior and everyone around her said how wonderful she looked because she had lost some weight. It was because she was sick and we just didn't know. I don't know which is better, the not knowing and hurting with her or the chance to see her and talk to her before she left. I had talked to her off and on, we exchanged letters, as this was a bit before the age of email. But our lives rolled on and away from each other. It it tragic, but it happens all the time.

I met Bethany when she was an adorable freshman just joining drama club. I was a sophomore and drama club was the one place I found solace in the scary world of high school. I belonged there. I had incredible friends there. Those friends I was close to like no others. We spent hours and hours together after school. We were "outcasts" together, we made dumb inside jokes, felt the sweat through call-backs, almost killed ourselves with power tools building sets, practiced the same lines over and over together, we carried on silly traditions ( like Latin prayers before shows, gag cast gifts, Pizza Hut after opening night and all-night cast parties at the close of the shows, and our catch phrase "Join Drama, you don't hafta run!") and every stupid superstition. We were the "Drama Brats", the small core of us.

We shared secrets, food, illnesses, heart-breaks, homework, poems and our whole lives. Our lives changed for the better the minute we stepped into the musty auditorium. It sounds so overly corny when I read it , but every word of that is true or at least how I felt. Those drama friends were the first to know that I was pregnant in high school and they gave me more support than I could have dreamed of and all the care and concern I needed. They are some of the best people I have ever met in my life. Bethany was the best of the best. Sincere, with the most beautiful smile you could imagine. The gentle way she would smile, hug me and gather up my hair in one hand to smooth it out or twist it into a quick braid, always made me feel better, no matter what was going on with me at the time. There were many days that found me curled up on her shoulder or in her lap, her quiet way soothing me while brushing my hair got me through. And we would always end up laughing and feeling amazingly better. I love the way she would giggle and gently chastise me for my potty mouth or an utterance the should never have been let out of my own head and she would say "Hide, really!" but it made her giggle and her eyes crinkle up in a smile anyway. She was in one word, the very definition of sweet. She was..she is my Beth-y. She called me her good luck charm, but really, she was mine.

Adam and I went to the funeral home that night. I was greeted by all of our mutual friends. They filled me in on what had happened with Bethany, the details of her being sick. Obviously she fought with every ounce of strength and beauty in her, she wanted her casket closed, so we would remember the happy Bethany, the beautiful smile and her long chestnut hair. Her mom hugged me and whispered to me how happy Bethany was to hear we were having another boy. She smiled and told me how much Bethany loved me, and she touched my face and left me before she started to cry again.

We spent that night with our friends, trying to laugh, remembering all those little things, those little things that meant everything to us.

The next day I headed to work, I sat in my car and the song "Why Should I Cry for You" by Sting came on the radio.

Sometimes I see your face,
The stars seem to lose their place
Why must I think of you?
Why must I?
Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say,
That, "I loved you in my fashion"?

It makes me cry to this day. Every time. Even just reading that verse. Did she know I "loved her in my fashion" even though we didn't see each other at the end? Even though we didn't talk as much as we would have liked? I think she did. Even though that song makes me cry, it gives me peace too, like Bethany wanted me to hear it. She didn't want me to cry about her, even though I did so very much, and I still do every once in while. She was always the one to talk me out of a funk. To make it better so many times. Maybe she was doing it again. She just couldn't brush my hair like she used to...she had to do something else for me.

She was just like that...sweet and kind and doing things for other people to feel better. As she signed my yearbook..she was "the best Bethany around" and will be forever to me. I love her. In my fashion.

Walt would be so proud..maybe

2008-01-16T18:45:00.000-05:00

Conversations with a 5 yr old:

"Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (screaming at me from across the house)

"what Sammy?"

"That Disney castle is where dreams come true. And dreams live in your head"

"they do, huh?"

"lots of things live in my head"

"no doubt that is true, Sammy"

"we should go to Disney World, where dreams come true. And you are very pretty"

nothing like a little flattery to get you an expensive vacation.

One of these days, doors will open

2008-01-15T20:32:00.000-05:00

I am going to teach my mother about the wonders of technology. One day, she will will understand what "call waiting" is really about. Every time I talk to my mom on the phone and another call beeps through she abruptly spurts out..."that is call waiting I have to go. Maybe I will call you back"

Ummm...mom, you can put me on hold and see who it is then you can come back to me. Usually she calls me right back because it was some telemarketer or some one she didn't want to talk to. However, this is a woman who hates to use "cruise control" and only within the last few years uses the ATM. Baby steps with her. She has said every year for the past five or so that she will have me "teach her the internet" I don't think I have enough strength in my body for such things.

One of the funniest thing said to me this week...

2008-01-14T23:47:00.000-05:00

So my best friend's daughter turned 2 this week and we helped her celebrate with a little party at my friend's house. My friend's mother-in-law finds me at every function and chats away. I hadn't seen her in a while, probably since last year's party, so some "catching up" is required. Now my life, for lack of a better word is odd. Some of that I will not be able to share, other parts of it will become very evident over time.

Anyway, I spill it to the MIL. I start telling her about my parents, my kids, work, and my brothers. I tell her that my youngest brother just got married to his boyfriend in Montreal and they now live in London ( as in the UK). Her eyes widen, she grabs my arm, gasps and says " Oh my gosh Heidi, did you know he was gay?!?!?!" I couldn't help but chuckle a bit..: ummm...yes, yes I did, he came out when he was 16...over 8 years ago" She seemed so shocked.

I thought about that scenario, like my brother is running around dating women and then just up and marries some random guy in Canada? Too funny! She just cracked me up.

That just opened a whole topic in what my parents think and so on and so on. I told her we love his husband. My parents have always been cool with that, sheesh...and if not they had a long time to get used to it.

I can't wait to hear if she talked to my friend about the revelation.

Getting this mother started!

2008-01-14T23:36:00.000-05:00

I guess the hardest thing is to just start this thing. I think that is one reason I didn't just dive in and sign up for a blog in the first place. There is all this pressure of what to write for your first entry and all that crap. Who needs that stress?

But seriously, my good friend Jen just might get on a plane and come here and kick my ass, if I don't at least get something up. No doubt she will police it and really beat me, if I don't keep it up.

I told her nothing happens to me. She told me she would believe that, if she didn't know me. Okay, I guess weird stuff happens to me or around me. I am either a magnet or I think that weird and crazy stuff might be happening to everyone, they just don't see it like I do or they are oblivious.

I am quite sure I will not blog everyday.I will try to keep it interesting, full of the weirdness or funniness I see around me. There is endless fodder, trust me.

to begin:

One thing my oldest son Zach(16) and I are getting into is this Korean soap opera called "Thank You" I can't tell you why, but we get an Asian television network here and we love watching all manner of things on it. Now soap operas are not for me in general. I don't watch them, with the exception of those hilarious Indian ones ( from India) those have ghosts and all kinds of craziness and Mexican soap opera that are just down right full of sex and insanity. Who doesn't love a little sex and insanity? Personally, I can use lots of both! ;-)

Anyway, we came into the show late. We have been mind boggled in trying to figure it out. I have taken to DVR'ing it so we can watch it together and maybe makes sense of the whole thing. If we don't, even better. It is about a woman and her daughter, who I think have HIV. The woman is with a man, who used to be a doctor. They are a couple, but not a couple. I just don't know. Last time he said " You are not attracted to me are you? I am not attracted to you either" and then he grabbed her and hugged her. Zach and I can only watch and shake our heads. Then there was some whole lesson to the little girl about not being stupid and she can't pass HIV from hugging or holding hands. This lesson was imparted to her by a man who kidnapped her, but I think he is her biological father. We are enjoying putting the story together, and I caught myself "googling" it too...LORD!

Anyway, that is my current obsession. A strange one, I will give you, but that it me. Quirky stuff, I love. Sadly, I am dragging my kid into my world. Good thing he is just like me!

Linky to the show: http://www.koreandrama.org/?p=393